111 Praise Jesus

Okay, back on track, both figuratively and literally!

I'm running at the track again, and eating right (which means I'm half starving myself and abusing laxatives). And I got myself down to 111.6. Okay, that's a starting point and I can live with it.

I'm also thinking that I tend to lose weight during the school year. So I might dive down to 100 before the Christmas holidays. Hooray to that.

The quilt goes well, and I picked up some nice yarn for blankets. This Christmas is going to be very homemade. Nothing crazy commercial. Nothing too store bought. I want a new journal, and some material for quilting and yarn for knitting. Maybe a few books to sweeten the pot. I'm going to make preservatives and quilts, blankets and breads, scarves and shawls this season. Homemade candies and soups. That's all anyone's getting and I think people would rather get that more than anything else.

Me, I'm getting a bony skinny body from myself. Happy Christmas to me!

I'm fat and it's got to stop

So I'm crazy crazy fat these days. The scale says it, 115, and I can feel it all over. My arms are flabby, my hips are wide and my thighs are like tree trunks. I hate my body, and I hate my lack of discipline that has given me this body.

Starting tomorrow: ABCDiet and running in the morning, intense walk at night. Get this fat off my body. Give me skinny pins and thinny arms. Give me slender hips and a little bum.

113.4

Getting down. I actually hit 116 a few days ago if you can believe it! It was the muscles from running. Disgusting. So I've decided to switch to walking and starving. I can handle not eating that's easy. Often I just don't feel hungry so I don't worry about eating unless I see someone eating. Then I eat.

I'm making a cool dish tonight: Texas fried chicken, corn on the cob, sauteed kale, pear and cucumber salad with vinaigrette. My neighbor gave me a ton of fresh veggies, tomatoes, kale, cucumbers, korabi and two flying saucer squash. Her sons are working at an organic farm that can't sell it's food yet so we're eating it! I'm wicked excited to get to know them.

For the last two days I've successfully eaten less than 1000 cals. I'm thinking I should do the ABCDiet this month. I've got to drop some of this muscle gain.

Who now can stand before the power of the two quilts?!?!

I made the first half, and then made the second half from scraps. I have finally just joined them together. I just have to add in the filler and frame it then boom, done, quilt. Yeah!

Quiltin' in the SummahTime!

So I started a quilt for my brother and sister-in-law yesterday. Made a lot of progress and am pretty happy with how it looks. I got the material from Joann's Fabrics. It came in one of those packet of swatches deal and I bought another of just blue solids to make the border.  I used a diamond cut out for the pattern and put it together on a cork board last night. Of course I was watching Lord of the Rings: Fellowship as I worked. Feeling very middle-earthy lately.

Ran today. I'm a little bummed out. I'm up to 114. But that's the muscle gain and I'm trying to keep that in mind as I have to keep pulling my shorts up. I am going to be a little more aware of the food I eat. Two days ago I had a pizza to celebrate the end of the horrid hot weather. Then yesterday I ate an entire package (small) of Twizzlers.  GRRR!

Here are some pics:

Close up of the material.

 Spread pinned out on the corkboard.

 Pinned out and upright.

 pinned together from behind and ready to stitch closed.

I'm thinking of making something funnier for my brother James:

DR WHO!!!

Last of the lazy hazies... hopefully.

I took today off from running. My hip (right) is a little tight. I think I'm over extending it in my stretching for ballet class. I've got to learn to slow down. But at 37 (soon to be 38) I doubt I'm going to learn it.

So far, I have eaten seven cookies, a bowl of cereal and nothing. I'm proud that I kept the eating off. But now I'm going to throw it all away with a dinner fit for a child. Chicken strips and french fries! I even got this "texas" barbeque sauce. I'm hoping it tastes like real texans.  What would that taste like, country with a hint of racism?

Back to running

It didn't feel as bad as yesterday this morning so I ran. I was smart about it this time and held back. I only ran 3 miles then walked the 4th. Feeling pretty good about it.  Had my little black-swan lunch after a nice cold shower. Now I have to go out into the heat and get some chores done.

It's birthdays at the homestead this Sunday. Me, mum, James, and Becky are all turning older on Sunday. None of our actual birthdays are on that day, it's just more efficient to do it this way, and frankly none of us ever cared enough. It's just fun to get together and eat cake... and know that you only have to worry about the ONE cake.

I'm thinking I should get Becky a cast iron skillet. I think that's a good gift. She likes to bake and cook, she's really cool and into home made stuff. So a cast iron skillet and maybe I can put together a breadcrumb mix for great fried chicken. There was an amazing recipe book from TX (yeah I know something good came from texas, I was shocked too) at the library (yeah, equally weird). It had a couple of good recipes for fried chicken.

I just got a cast iron skillet and I want to make as many pieces of fried anything this summer. I'm running and I can see how I'm skinnier already, so it's time to celebrate with yummy friend food.  Also, I think corn bread can be made that way... but that just seems wrong.

no running

Had to take today off. First: far too hot to run; Second: my legs are far too tired to take any more abuse. I woke up and just felt like I could die I was so tired. Dropped off the car to be repaired and then came home. Been a little snaky today but I can see my body tightening up and trimming down.... and best news of all I'm at 110. Hooray! So 110 of muscle must look like 100!

Sitting in an air conditioned room, very happy and cool. Oh god, it's such a blessing. This summer has been easily the worst I can remember. I'm going to take all of today off, and try to run tomorrow. If I get up early enough I can do it.  Five miles at least, six since I took a day off.

Heat breaks on Saturday/Sunday. Thank you universe!

Pacific Rim

Is exactly what you'd expect. Terrible. But I was thoroughly entertained.  I got to sit in an air-conditioned room and was treated to rock-em-sock-em robots versus monsters. Yeah, silly but you know what, every once in a while you need a little silly in your life.

I made a lovely bright and yummy pasta salad.  Great for a treat when you have been running all week.  I did get six miles in both yesterday and today, so I feel justified in eating pasta salad. Not sure what the cal count is, not sure I WANT to know!

Recipe:  Greek Pasta Salad
1 bag of colorful bowtie pasta (bring to boil then set aside to get to room temp)
1 jar of banana peppers (drained)
1 jar roasted red peppers (drained)
1 jar of Greek salad dressing (I like that stuff with the blue cover because it's got a nice bite to it)
1 container feta cheese
1 bag of stir-fry pre-washed veg (usually includes broccoli flourets, carrots snow peas)

As I wrote, you boil the pasta until nice and tender, use a fork to test and use a big wooden spoon to separate.  Drain thoroughly, then set aside. I like to put a little EVOO and sprinkle with garlic salt and basil (dried leaves).  Put is aside until room temp, test by waving hand over it.

Put in your jars of peppers and greek dressing. mix mix mix.  Yum yum yum.

Put in the fridge and let it cool over night (or go see a movie... whatever, passage of time.)

Put in veg and cheese.  I like to put it into a big tupperware container and just shake the hell out of it. Stirring is for fools!

Serve this with a nicely sliced up apple, a few baby dill kosher pickles, and handful of nuts for protein. Crazy good with lemonade in a frosty mug, or just ice water.  Yum!

So that's the food from the Anorexic foodie. Enjoy. Then starve for a week. Because I'm still at 112 and feel crazy fat, but that's the weather and that I'm running. Gaining muscle is the WORST! I don't see how these body builders handle it because I look at my legs and get ready to cry or kill myself.

Tap dancing tonight. I haven't practiced but it's just too damned hot to put on tap shoes and start jumping around. Tomorrow is ballet. I like both of them.  Thinking tomorrow I might go swimming instead of running. Or just do both, IDK.

Second day of Six miles

I'm feeling pretty good. Second day of six miles down.  Michael ran with me this morning. We tried to leave early to beat the heat.  Ha ha. Nice try says the sun. It was unbelievable. I felt like the sun as eating my skin at one point.

Ran my six. My feet look pretty beat up, but I don't car. We are off to see Pacific Rim. yes, it looks terrible, but it will be air-conditioned!

Six miles and lunch

So today I kicked up my work-out to a six mile run with a one mile walk to cool down. Funny, cool down. It's crazy hot out. My face must have been so red. Two other people came onto the track right around my fourth mile and they left just as I was finishing up. Couldn't take the heat and I don't blame them, it's awful.

This has been a rotten summer for the heat and humidity. Just nasty.

Anyway, after a nice cold shower and several glasses of ice water I made my lunch. The black swan breakfast. Poached egg, slice of toast, half a grapefruit. It was delicious again!  This time I remembered to take a picture, so it's underneath.

Cal count:  toast:  128 cals; egg:  64 cals; 1/2 grapefruit:  37 cals; Total:  229! BRILLIANT!

Weight:  112
Measurements:  thigh: 21 in; hips/bum: 36 in; waist:  25 in; arm: 9in.

Tomorrow is tap and then wednesday is ballet.  If I keep working pretty soon I'll hit perfection!

Back on Track!

Okay, so today is my turning around. I can feel myself getting lighter and tighter. Now first I'm still at 113.6 which is disappointing yes, but my body is so tight I can't believe it.

Exercise:  running five miles on the track every day.
Tuesday:  Tap dancing
Wednesday:  Ballet
Thursday & Saturday: yoga

I'd like to get really flexible so the running is a little counter-productive. But I love it. It's so great to get up and put in my head phones and just run for almost an hour. It's brilliant.  I'm thinking next week I'll push myself to run 6 or 7 miles. Since it's just the track I'm not getting the workout I would if I were doing road work, but my ankles just can't take the road any longer.

I brought my diet back under control too.  These days it's a good breakfast: bowl of cereal; lunch: tuna roll half an apple and a handful of nuts; dinner: toast a few more nuts.  Lots of water.

Today I tried something new. For lunch I had the Black Swan diet:  Poached egg, slice of toast, half a grapefruit. I actually enjoyed it a lot, and I feel full.  No bullshit. I'm satisfied. I think because the combination of starch, carbs and vitamins really satisfied all of my needs.

Resisting the urge to look

I'm avoiding the scale. I haven't been eating bad. Maybe a little bad. I had a lovely moz. tomato and basil open faced sandwich for dinner last night. Today was much better.
Two bowls of cereal (special K) fruit salad toast. That's it. Very proud.
Also took five laxatives and I've been actively downing water like a demon.
But still I feel so damned bloated thanks to the heat (and the cheese in the sandwich).

Took today off from running, had to put the car into the dealership to get the touch-screen radio looked at. They plan to fix it next week. Have you ever driven a car with no radio... ugh.

Running tomorrow. Tonight was the first ballet class. Loved it! I'm a little vain, and I'll admit I look so slim next to these other girls. I cannot believe how BIG some "dancers" get. I mean. Wow. Just Wow. I would say that other than the teacher I'm the only healthy BMI in the room. And I'm on the lower end of my BMI.

I overheard her offer pointe to another girl, so I'm now determined to get into this as well. That's my goal. Well that and hitting 100 pounds by the end of the summer.

Natalie Portman here I come. If I can just get the fat off. Why do I keep gaining weight? This sucks.

Fat Fat Go Away

So it's like I just can't get rid of my damned fat. I'm still 113. I'm taking today off from running. Tonight is my first tap class is tonight, so that's kind of a workout. Sort of.

Anyway, I didn't get poison oak from cutting down the tree. Thank God. I don't think I could have handled that.

Okay, no running today.

113 this morning, but I didn't get up until 10:30. Lazy as hell.

Last night I made this amazing open-faced sandwich. It was ciabata bread with thick slices of tomato and mozzarella cheese (sprig of basil in-between the tomato and cheese) with a little bit of salt, pepper and then drizzle of lite balsamic vinegret. It was amazing. I gobbled it down like a pig. Hopefully my brother and sister may come over here for a summer movie night and I'll make it for them. I'd cut it into small 1-inch strips to make eating easier. And serve it with a cool strawberry cocktail.

I'll post pics if I make them tonight... which I probably will as I have a half a brick of cheese and a tomato in the fridge.

I wish I was skinnier, but that will come in time. Just keep working out and eating right.

Monday Weigh-in

Okay, not that happy today.
Last night I hung out with my family and had the BEST time. We just sat around the kitchen table and talked about everything. It was the best time. I love my family. We are the weirdest, chattiest, smartest, funniest group of fucking nut jobs you'd ever want to meet. Brother and Sister-in-law just got back from their extremely rad trip to South Dakota. They saw the Mount Rushmore, the Bad Lands, and a lot of pretty America. Thy did it right, just drove out staying at national parks and campgrounds. I love that kind of adventurous spirit. Like a dork it makes me think of Frodo. Yeah, I'm a dork.

Anyway, we ate while we talked. I had a hamburger and a hotdog.

So today's weight and measurements are not where I'd like to be, but I have to keep reminding myself that the beginning of the summer is the worst.

Weight:  113.2 *fucking FATTY!!!
Hips and bum:  35.5"
Arm:  9.5"
Thigh:  21"
Waist:  25"

I'm gaining muscles, which is pushing the fat to the surface and making me look a little puffy. My arms look kinda flabby to be honest and I need to work on my abs. Running is good, but I have to mix it up. Tomorrow I'll run my five miles but then do a workout video as well.

Tonight, I'm going to see Jaws at a cool classics run theater. Hooray....

Frodo Lives!

Smokey and the Bandit

So I'm waiting for the sun to settle in the west and tonight's movie will be none other than Smokey and the Bandit. Yup, the original buddy flick. The original chase flick. The original Burt Reynold's mustache flick. I'm super excited.

I've got everything. Hammock and big pillow. Fire pit going. Four torches for bugs. Smores made and eaten. Ice cream sandwich on stand-by. Popcorn ready and waiting. Projector and dvd just ready for the ready set go.

I just wish I was into beer. Because this is the perfect night for a cool artisinal beer, but I'm slurping down cal free soda like a little girl. Of course, beer is fatty and I want to be a skinny little girl. So cal free soda is just perfect.

Got my five miles in this morning with plenty of sunshine. Fortunately I had recalled to wear sunscreen. I hope I'm not getting too brown. I like my lily white skin. And I like being cancer free!

Back yard film festival

I forgot to mention that my alltime FAVOURITE thing about summer is my personalized backyard film festival. I get a fire going, put up a couple of torches, make s'mores, set up my hammock and using my projector watch movies up against the side of the house.

Last night was the inagural Top Gun... not a bad way to start a summer. Tonight I'm torn. Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, or Smokey and the Bandit.

Now for those of you purists, like myself, normally this would be a no-brainer. I mean, what could possibly beat four hobbits trekking through a formidable wilderness with some of the truest, and no-so-true (but pretty damned heroically true in the end when it counted most) friends to end evil all over the world?  Burt Reynolds can beat it, that's what.

I'll post picks as it gets to night.

skinnying on down

I can feel my body getting thinner. I've only gone down a few pounds, but that's probably a combination of getting muscular and trimming the fat. Monday I'll give myself an official weigh in and a measuring. I think I'll be pretty happy.

One thing I wish I could change are my legs, specifically my thighs. I'd like to get my thighs really thin, like little pins. But I'm running and they are becoming more muscular. I don't want that. Now, I have to admit this morning when I noticed the beginning of a six-pack on my stomach I was not so upset. Personally, I don't think there's a single more disgusting thing on a woman than muscles. Well, I'm sure there are, but I don't want cut arms, or abs, but especially legs! I want thin, waifish legs. I don't want horse legs.

I'll keep going and keep you posted.

110.8 but no sleep in sight

Going into the sixth day of sleepless nights. I got a whopping almost four hours last night. I'm beginning to have that "not really awake" feeling. Like I'm walking through a fog that I can't lift, or I'm wearing a heavy blanket that I can shake off.

Anyway, I can already see the difference in my body. I'm really starting to tighten up. I've cut eating down to a yogurt for breakfast and dinner and a tuna roll for lunch.

Got my hair done yesterday, so no running this morning.

5 miles down

I'm feeling a little shaky from the run and lack of food. The lack of sleep is also getting at me. I've been having trouble falling asleep, then staying asleep. I will nod off after a few hours of tossing and turning, only to wake up again and toss and turn for a few more hours. It's been a few days of this nonsense. I've taken advil PM but even that doesn't work.

Food:  yogurt, tuna roll, apple.
All I want for the rest of the day is another yogurt.

Trying to reduce and get myself smaller.

Day off

Ran yesterday: good run but it began to rain and I'm terrified of breaking my ankle on a run so I turned around and ran back. Got about 5 miles down. Still not that bad.

Food intake: Made a delicious wrap!  Hummus Tabouleh Cucumber wrap.
Take a spinach wrap and spread a generous amount of hummus on it (I used roasted eggplant) then spread a generous amount of tabouleh all over it. Cut Cucumber into two inch thin spears and roll that bad larry up.  Now, I had planned to put some Gorgonzola cheese in it, but forgot. It was great without the cheese and I'm not interested in trying it with the cheese. So I'm hopeful that I can use it in a pasta salad.

I'm at 110.8  Finally coming down!
I'm pretty confident that if I keep up the running, and keep up eating right and less I'll hit 100 by the end of summer. 10 pounds over two months is possible. It's just hard because I'm already at an ideal weight and I'm trying to run myself down to below BMI.

Running on empty 2

So I spent the day puttering around the house.
Food:
Breakfast - cereal: 80 cals
Lunch - tuna roll; half cup of pasta salad; half an apple - high ball at 500 cals
Snack - handful of cheezits: high ball at 200 cals
Dinner - yogurt: 80 cals

Definitely spent more cals than I took. Good job. Now feel completely empty. Five laxatives in waiting to expel everything from me so I can float away on the lovely empty.

Tomorrow: 8 mile run, but let's eat even less.

Running on empty

8 Miles down this morning.

I feel good too. I didn't eat much yesterday, so my run was a little slow. I'm not complaining. I liked the run and I feel like I really cleaned myself out on it. A good run is almost spiritual in how it just breaks your body down and helps you spill all the garbage and nonsense and drama that you collected over the other days. It makes you empty so you can put in what you want after that. I'm putting in happiness, and a really positive outlook for next year, and a burning desire to get my MA in history.

I'm pretty jazzed about my next class. Historiography. Unfortunately it's about Cuba and Latin America. But the CIA is in it. So I'm appeased.

5K - sub 30

Okay, so I'm not touting that as fast... it's okay. Less than a 10 minute mile is considered passable by the U.S. Military. So that's okay. I'm aiming at sub 25. That's as fast as I think I'll ever get it.

Food so far:
yogurt - 80 cals, but I didn't eat the fruit at the bottom, so it's probably less.
left over pizza slice - ugh, I'll put it at 300 to be safe.

Work out blues

So I'm up to 115. I know that's not fat. But it's fat. I feel so fat. I have blubber on my sides, my ass is big my stomach is popping out. It's all because of a few factors.

1. I'm running. My muscles are getting big and strong again. So it's pushing the fat forward which is why I feel doughy and blubbery. I just need to keep running and eat below cal so I can eat into the stored fat.

2. It's unbelievably muggy. I can tell that I am just a big bag of water with legs. My skin looks amazing and smooth. My eyes are bright, my hair is full. I love being full of water. Except that I feel so damned fat.

Okay, tomorrow: run.

North Korea

So I was driving home from the movies and I was thinking of North Korea. Doesn't everyone do this?

My family is convinced that this culture is going to fail. They see the poverty, the famine and the disenfranchisement and think the very logical (but inherently American) thought "fail." But I'm not so sure.

This is a culture that gets up at 4AM and works all damn day. And not American work, meaning roll in around 8:30 - 9:30, and eat breakfast at the desk, then start work (which is entirely seated for the most part) doing ineffectual inefficient meaningless paperwork, stopping frequently to use the rest room, stretch, eat, and fuck around, then begin to pack up at 4:30 and leave promptly at 5:00 to go home to way too much food, far too much TV and an increasingly adolescent social life - now, I'm painting America with a pretty wide brush so don't take me literally, I'm working in metaphor) manual labor, repetitive movement work. They do it with a dedication and fervor that, frankly, we will never get. They love their work because it's an extension of loving their lives, which is the direct instruction of loving the source of life, their leader. Their dear leader.

No president living or dead will ever be able to be as loved as the tyrants who have run the only monarchy in a communist country. Yeah, Marx would love the iron.. after he stopped screaming.

This is a culture that, when faced with famine, made starvation-level diets fashionable, important and almost holy. The wealthy North Korean eats approximately 1000 cals a day, which is found in the two meals a day. All North Koreans eat only two meals a day. They are happy to do this. And no, I don't expect you to believe this. It's not something that we, as Americans, can ever truly accept as a fact. But it is.

And finally this is a culture that believes whole-heartedly in their reclamation program. Justice is dished out in the most arcane, draconian and yet well-organized bureaucratic manner possible. If I commit a crime, I am sent to an internment camp. I will live there for the remainder of my life. My husband will accompany me there of course. The children I give birth to will live there as well. The children born from them will live there too. My great-grandchildren will be released. They will be shamed and must start at the lowest cast. This system is not only accepted, it is widely understood to be why North Korea is doing so well. Well, it's widely understood in North Korea.

North Koreans don't speak against their government. They don't worry about what each other are doing with their bodies. They aren't interested in sexuality. They don't have religious issues.

In this country we have too much. Too much food. Too much money. Too much TV. Too much internet. Too much. We don't know where to look or what to think. Once our eyes and brains have settled on something it is immediately hit with stimulus from another source. What do we worry about? Gay people getting married. Women having abortions. People not praying to Jesus in school.

So tell me again how North Korea's going to fail?

Hooray for Ed Markey!

Yeah, we are taking this state back to the entire blue. Pretty soon we're all just going to be smurfs. I'm excited about the possibility of having DOMA deemed unconstitutional today. I hope (and believe) that the Supreme Court will do the right thing. This is an obvious no-brainer to me, but there are people all over this country who refuse to use their brains on this and are keeping us from moving forward. If you think about it, follow the breadcrumbs, there is no LOGICAL argument against gay marriage. All of their arguments just boil down to God says no. Well, first off, I don't recall God having a press conference recently. The bible was written by people, not God. And lastly, let's just for fun pretend that God is real and he/she/it doesn't want gay people to marry. Well, God can vote... just after he become a citizen. Otherwise, I'm standing by my fellow man and supporting them.

Today: cleaned the bathrooms and the kitchen. Debating running this morning, probably will not. I just feel gross from the cleaning products.

Watching Pretty Wild. It's pretty ridiculous. Love trashy reality drama.

Portlandia

So under normal circumstances I would NEVER ask people to watch more tv. I would normally say stay away from the box as much as possible. But there's a brilliant tv show, that is going into it's third season and I just love it.

Anyway:
Workout: ran 8 miles
Food:  2 pieces of white bread toasted with margarine; popcorn (half bag) soda (half the soda); fruit salad and a green machine drink.
Ate well, and smart. Probably going to polish the night off with a bowl of cereal.

Thinking this summer will be meatless, if not vegan.

Last day of school

Ah, it's so good to be out of school. I'm excited about my work for next year, but I'm also really happy to have two months off.

I'm up at 115, at first I freaked out but then I thought about it. It's hot, I've had about 5 bottles of water today, and I'm back into running. So I'm going to stay off the scale for a couple of weeks. I want to focus on running and getting into killer shape, and slimming down my hips. Then I'll worry about not being 100lbs.

One day work week

Tomorrow is my last day of work, but thankfully NOT my last day of teaching.
Suicide is on hold. Anorexia is back on track.
Today's weigh in: 114. WTF!
I know that it's hot, and humid and that means I'll be retaining water. I know that I ran which means my body is going to have to adjust my metabolism. Both of those will make me gain weight, but lose inches. I know this. But this summer is going to be lose ten pounds zone.

Food for today:
2 bowls of Frosted Flakes with milk
1 veg sushi platter
2 cookies
1 tuna salad role
1/2 apple

Been drinking a lot of water. Might be on my 10th glass to be honest. Which is probably why I'm 114. I've got to stay off the scale to keep myself happy.  Just went shopping for cute new summer clothing and I'm a size 2 or 0, so I can't be fat. Tommy H doesn't make clothes for fat girls.

8 Miles

Just did my first 8 mile run of summer. Hopefully I'm getting rid of all that Chinese food I ate last night. Yikes! I feasted.

Okay, so it's the slim-down summer.
Starting weight: 111.0 pounds.
Goal weight:  100 pounds.
Measurements:
     Arm:  9.5 inches (goal 8)
     Waist:  25 inches (goal 22)
     Hips/Bum:  35 inches (goal 33)
     Thigh:  21 inches (goal 18)

None of that is unreachable, nor is it excessive or unhealthy. So the plan is: run, swim, starve.  Good plan.

I'll post tonight with total caloric intake and exercise, although I've already run, so chances are I'm not doing anything else.

I mean, look at Keira Knightly, that's just absolute perfection right there.

Keep the faith

So hooray, I'm back at Wilbraham. Word came from my principal himself as I was told that if all goes well with the contract negotiations I'll be back... of course I managed to pack up my entire classroom and move it into my basement. Genius. But I'm happy to have some good news to report. Gardner sent me the "fuck you" letter. I don't get it. I have an MA, experience, and come with oodles of unit plans. But for some reason I never get the job. It's just weird, I (and my principal and APO) can't understand why I keep getting passed over (ha ha, passover).  That's good at least the people I work for value the hell out of me.

Oh well, eventually I'll get a job closer to home and will finally have the life I'd like. Home, dog, free time, no more getting up at 4AM!

Heaven

Do you think that when you die the afterlife is a Wes Anderson film? I'd like it to be. I'd like to live on New Penzance Island and hang out with the Khaki scouts of North America.

I've always liked this movie because I still hold my husband's hand when we walk about, and I often kiss him like this. Sometimes I think Wes Anderson saw me do this to Michael and he thought, that's love. When I think of my husband I realize that I am very lucky to have found such a love. There are few people who get to be in love like I am with Michael. He is a remarkable man, a wonderful mind, a fun partner and a good soul.

I am lucky. Thank you.

Rainy day blues

So does the rain ever stop? Honestly, I live in New England not Seattle.

I haven't heard from Gardner yet, but that's to be expected. She only posted the new position a few days ago and said she wouldn't make her decision until after she had interviewed those candidates. I'm still hopeful. I told God while driving home that if I got this post I would go to church every single Sunday for the rest of my life. And I would too. But it's wrong to bribe God. God should be worshipped because he created this world and the good parts of my life for me. Not because I want something. That's just childishness coming through as I get more and more desperate.

I am hopeful, but that is waning as the days go by. Only five days left to teach. Then I'm gone from Chaug. It was a good school, and I learned a lot, but I could grow more.  I think Gardner is the place for me to do it. I've grown with people and under people, now I need to tread out into the wilderness (so to speak) and teach on my own. I need to develop my own voice and curriculum. I'm ready for it. Now if only I can get the chance.

The Yellow Wallpaper

So I'm getting a little crazy paranoid about the job interview at Gardner. Something she said really freaked me out.  In the conversation we both admitted to hating Silvia Plath, which I'll stand by, she sucks. But the principal said "ugh, Silvia Plath and the Yellow Wallpaper."  Uhm, that was Katherine Perkins Gilman. I didn't say anything because I thought it would be rude to correct her, but now I'm worried that was a test.  IDK.

Had ribs at my dad's... so nasty and dry, yuck. And corn on the cob, so sweet and delicious I LOVE corn, it's my favourite veg.

Going into the last week of school. This year has been a weaker year for me. I was not the strongest teacher I could be. But I was also a lazy bum. So I know where my problems lie and how to fix them. Laziness is easily correctable. Also, I was distracted by my horrid student teacher, and I was in way over my head with writing workshop.

Last six days are staring at me. I feel like I'm looking into the abyss a little. But not in a bad way, it's daunting to be laid off, but there are a lot of possibilities out there. I could get the job at Gardner (that's the best of the possibilities) I could get hired at a school closer, Monty Tech could open up a spot and bring me on board, 'Chuag might find the money after all. I'm confident that I'll find something, but I'm equally confident that my confidence will waver and I'll despair. Fingers crossed that I find something before I move beyond just the normal poisoning.

This week starts my afternoon running schedule. Very happy about that. 8 miles a day, I'll keep you posted.

Father's day

Ugh. I hate this holiday almost as much as I hate Easter. Nothing against Christianity, just hate Easter food... ham and boiled veg slathered in mustard. Yuck.

Anyway, off to Abington to tolerate my family, at least it's nice out.  Feeling okay about my weight. I actually ate at Texas RoadHouse yesterday and had a delicious steakhouse salad, then went to the batting cages and had a yummy chocolate ice cream waffle cone. Yum.

Well, I got to get up and get this show on the road. My teeth just can't get clean enough these days.

Back in the saddle again...

So I started packing up my classroom today. No tears, not sad. Am trying to keep that a secret from the wagging tongues downstairs. I think there's something wrong with me, I'm a girlie-girl through and through. I love make-up, and pretty pretty dresses, and kittens and puppies and coding in lenix, but I HATE GOSSIP.  I just despise it, passionately!

Feeling better. Made a delicious meal of spaghetti and meatballs. Ate a big ole plate of it and now feel crazy sick. Too much food.

Sushi with chicken?

Why not. So it was in the grocery store and I ate it. Delicious. Anyway, here are the dogs I was thinking of getting back when I was alive.

These two little guys were surrendered to a rescue shelter by some a-hole farmer who was going to shoot them for killing a chicken. What?! Was that chicken his lover? These guys are a-freaking-dorable, I'd get both if I could. But even if I had a job and a future, I can't have two dogs. And to be honest I can't have anything with a chase/hunt/kill instinct, I own a cat.

 Sadie here is a Beagle Tree Hound mix. Yeah, it's a weird looking dog, beautiful, but it's strange to see a beagle with long legs.  Pretty girl though, so I'm in love.

Here's the one for me. Little yappy dog throwing a temper-tantrum. She is RIGHT up my alley. A beagle pure, which is why I can't get past people who go to breeders... you can get a better dog with a healthier pedigree at a shelter, and you a doing a good deed.

I wish this was my life. Teaching school and complaining about getting up too early because my dog has to go the bathroom. I wish my life was this beautiful. Just teaching English in some little school, making students happy and helping their families and community in my small way. Packing my little dog into my car to take him to football games and field hockey matches. Working late but being home in a quarter of an hour. Making dinner for my husband and correcting papers.

But no, and there's no use crying over spilled milk. Make a hemlock salad for birthday and see if you are right about the afterlife.

Hemlock.

I found my plan.

Today, I'm probably getting my rejection letter from  Gardner. That's a reality. I'm going to keep applying for jobs... that's I'm not going to get. That's a reality.

So this summer I'm going to get some guts. And take a trip to Concord, Emerson wrote about the Hemlock that grew by the river. I just found out that it causes paralysis, that eventually results in asphyxiation.

So, vampires, I'll let you know!

Apple Bread and circus

Made a delicious Apple Bread and even allowed myself a slice.

Today was terrible. A co-worker stopped by to give me a pep-talk, which quickly turned into him telling me how much education sucks and how it's changed and how everything is rotten because we let kids study art and languages... yeah, I have no idea. But essentially he really rattled my cage and got me terrified that I won't find any more jobs, I'll be unemployed and I will have to give up on teaching now and forever amen. God, I hate pep talks.

Apple bread is good.

Plan to kill myself is back on.

Feeling blue

So it's a rainy damned day. I'm still miffed about my student not getting to graduate. A student I talked into coming back to school has decided to not come back and just flunk out. I had to make a series of additional work for the student who didn't graduate. And, oh yeah, I'm still laid off.  I'm waiting to hear from Gardner High School, I'm hopeful, but terrified.

108. I'm up from the 105. Hooray. I had gotten up to 110 last night but some of it came off during the night and at work. I'm having my period, so I'm worried that about 3 to 4 pounds of this is bloat.

It's funny, I would have been thrilled to be this weight, but now that I had to go through all that stress to get here, I can see it wasn't worth it. I'm fortunate in that I figured that out.

Feeling positive

Had a beautiful dream last night that I got my dream job. Funniest part of the dream was that I wanted to get a Gardner (Gahdnahhey) T-shirt.

I am teetering between optimism and pragmatism (negativism, really). I believe that I am highly qualified for this job, and in a weird way that I deserve this job.  I have driven far to my job for 4 years now. I have proven that I am brilliant and diligent teacher. I create grand and creative curriculum and lesson plans. And I form strong and lasting relationships with not only the sweet lovable kids, but the worst of the worst at my schools. So why not me?

Why not? Well, I am expensive, I come with an MA. That will always be a detriment.  I have only 4 years under my belt for that money. So really, I'm not worth the money on paper. In reality, I'm MORE than worth the money. But schools usually don't gamble, they can't afford to.

Yesterday I ate at Bertucci's and had the Arugula, Watermelon and Feta salad with a half piece of salmon. Very yummy. Putting the weight back on in a smart responsible and slow way. Today, I have to grocery shop alone as Michael is going to his school's graduation. I am proud for him, he does a good job. It's not the best school, well actually it's a damned great school, it's like fifth in the state, but it's not my school, not my type of school anyway.  This is going to sound crazy, but there are just too many white kids... rich snotty entitled white kids. Yuck.

105, and not the way I wanted it.

So I hit 105 last night. It's not as pleasing as I thought it would be.

First, I hit it because of all the stress lately. I've been tired and slagged out, and dragged through the damn mill WAY too much at work. I don't know whether the school folded or not and at this point I can't care about it anymore. Fuck it all on that kid. He could have done more work, he could have smoked less weed, he could get the mental help he clearly needs. My administrators could grow up and not hold grudges against kids who cause trouble, that also could happen.

Fuck it. I'm in charge of Jack and Shit, and Jack left town.

So I hit 105. Through stress and starving, and I didn't even realize it. I sat down to think about what I had eaten this week... water, diet soda and maybe a few cookies.. a bag of carrots here and there. No yogurt. No apples. No meats or cheese. No dairy. This is ridiculous. So yeah, I'm skinnier. I also look like shit. Bags under my eyes, stooped shoulders, I honestly look like I'm dead.

Fuck life. I'm not letting my dumb ass school depress my any longer. I'm going to find another job, closer to home and get a dog.

Two new class ideas under my belt: Evolving America (how the American identity shifts through the historical epochs it faces on it's march to empire) and American Culture in the Jazz Age (looking at both the glittering shiny brilliance of the gilded era and the tragic nightmarish destruction of the metal under the gilding). I'm a genius.

Feeling better

So, okay. I'm laid off. And I'm a little pissed off about it. But I'm going to be okay.

Things that make my life amazing:
My husband, my cat.

Things that are important in my life:
My husband, my cat.

So do the math.

Yeah, it's gonna be okay.

Food is for the employed

So yeah, in about two weeks I will join the ranks of Americans without jobs. I'm terrified. I won't lie. I'm not happy, I'm worried like a crazy person. I've interviewed, but so have a lot of people with more experience, and people who won't need to be paid as much as me.

I'm not going to get a job. I'm going to have to pick up some piece of shit job like being a secretary or some bullshit like that. If by my birthday I don't have a teaching job. I'm killing myself. At least I'll be a skinny corpse. But that's it. No more guess work. No more worrying. No more scrambling. no more.

Gardner High School

Just got out of my interview. Went pretty well. I'm hopeful. Treated myself to sushi, spring rolls and inari as a reward. Ate them with my husband. Very happy about that.

School is bothering me. I feel like my administrators are plotting to drive me insane. But you know what, I just don't care. I found out that I could get bumped out of my job by a person who is getting laid off. Would have been nice to be told that sooner. So fuck them, they deserve NONE of me at this point.

Pray for Gardner and better things to come.

Hooray for stress

If there's a better weight loss system than being completely stressed out over nonsense that you didn't start, can't end and have NO power over, then let me know. I am finally at goal weight for the week, 108.  Hoorah.

So where's the stress coming from you ask? Work. A student failed my class. He wrote a pretty terrible final research paper, and I gave it a 68. Which was generous. More than generous. This brought his grade up to a 59.49. So I immediately smiled, breathed a sigh of relief and thought, hooray! I can make this a 60 and he gets a D- and off he goes. Yeah.

Wrong. My administrator decided that the 59.49 stands and this student fails and he now doesn't pass English and he's not graduating high school. Yup. So I get to explain this to the parents that he failed my class. Sucks. But here's my real problem. Why in God's name are we doing this? His parents have been in my classroom, on my phone, up my ass about how their child's future is destroyed by my actions. Uhm, slight correction, but your son's actions and my administrator's desire to watch your kid crash and burn. Motherfucker!

So now we are all having a meeting where they are bringing another a student who "helped" him with his paper to talk about how I set him up, I made him fail by lying about how it was good only to grade it tougher. Yippie. My fucking life fucking sucks like fucking crazy.

If an administrator ever walks into your room, whatever you do, DON'T tell them SHIT!

Dinner: eggie in a basket, single egg with yoke on toasted bread with margarine. Fell out of me immediately. Probably won't keep much in me for days... this is going to drag on for ever, I can just feel it.

Tomorrow is an interview at a closer school... wish me luck.

110

Maintained at 110 all day. Pretty damned happy. I did cheat and got a iced hot chocolate at DDs. Sorry body. But I think it will be okay. I was safe with dinner and was really good to myself with breakfast (yogurt, 80 cals) and lunch (ten baby carrots, 1 apple, second yogurt) then with dinner I think I'll be okay.

I'm into this fantastic show: Supersize v. Superskinny. Love it! This show is pretty cool, people who are very overweight team up with people who are very underfed. In pairs they swap diets, not the healthiest idea, but good entertainment.

I like watching the superskinnies, their bodies are lovely!

This blond has just perfect arms, abs and pins!
Lovely long and lean. I'd kill for this body. I don't get this show he looks at the superskinnies and criticizes them... uhm, hello this is what the human body should look like!

This little red-head is a tap dancer and teen model. So first off, she's like 18 so give me a break, of course she's a skinny pinny girl. But she's got a tiny little body and I'm jealous! Of course, I'm 37 so I think 110 for 37 isn't too shabby. Would like to tighten up the arms (no bingo wings thank you!) and trim down the thighs and pins.

Pesto Feta Individual Pizzas

So I just made up the second dinner tonight.

Flatbread with a generous helping of pesto spread out to the edges and then sprinkled with large chucked feta cheese. Served with apple slices for a side.

Yum. The pesto is pretty darned good but a little tangy to be honest. Smelled better than tasted. There's just a weird sweet tangy underbite to it. So I don't know. The feta is typical hannaford's fare, very yummy. The flatbread is just flatbread, so there's nothing amazing there.

Overall, I recommend this meal. It's good.

Cal count:
apple: 40 cals (only had half)
bread: 100 cals
pesto: 46 cals
feta: 60 cals.

Total:   246... DAMN!

Now that I've done the math, this TOTALLY worth the cals!

Anorexic Foodie Strikes again!

Okay, so this is a pathetic first blog on food. No one who is actually a foodie would care, or rather, would DARE to eat these. But I just tried the Morning Star Asian Burger Patty, and it's actually not bad.

Meal:  Whole wheat bun, Asian Veggie patty, lettuce, slice of beef tomato, three slices onion (rings) muenster cheese.
Side: carrots with a little drizzle of ranch dressing.
Drink: Ginger ale, heavily iced.

Calorie counter (because this is, after all, the ANOREXIC Foodie):
Morning Star Asian Veg Patty: 100
Whole wheat bun: 130
One slice of Muenster cheese: 103
one leaf of Boston Curly Lettuce: 7
Slice of Beef Tomato:  10
10 baby carrots:  88
2 tbsp drizzle of Ranch dressing:  140 (WTF!)

Total for meal: 578...  well, that's not as bad as I was afraid, but still more than what I would eat in an entire day normally. Overall it was worth the cals. I would not do it twice in one sitting, which I did making my total eat count over 1100. Yuck. But I feel good and feel pretty happy about what I ate. Since it was almost entirely veg I think it was a good food investment.

Critique: the patties are tasty, but the taste is obviously coming from the fragrance more than the flavour. However, as I live in America I can't expect to eat anything that has not been chemically altered from it's natural state.

Final thought: since I'm going to finish this blog fast to get another, it has to be a favourable review. I recommend these to anyone sick of eating a burger and feeling like a sick greasy oil spot on the couch. I ate it, thought about it for a while and noticed that I'm not tired, or sad, or my tummy isn't upset and my face doesn't feel dirty. I don't want to brush my teeth until I throw up, so yup, this must be a pretty darned good fake-burger.

The Anorexic Foodie

So I'm thinking of changing the tenor of this blog from me whining about how fat I am... 110 this morning. Very happy actually. And start talking about what a foodie I am.

Don't know if you know about this (the two people from the vampire website that randomly read this every day, thank you) but I am the biggest foodie on the planet. I love food. I'm obsessed with food. I watch the food network all day. I should be 500 pounds. But fortunately, I am obsessed with counting calories, and I feel insanely bad every time I put food in my body.

But with summer coming I wish I had friends close by to cook for. I am a great griller, and am learning about the fine art of BBQ.

Bollywood Grill and terror

So the Bollywood grill is phenomenal! I highly recommend to anyone interested in Indian food. This place has a really fun atmosphere, delicious food, (I think it's buffet only) and happy waitstaff. I had a great experience and ate far too much. Loaded up my plate twice.

So I'm thinking it might be time to take matters into my own hands and get rid of this food before it can do anything permanent.

Then it's sitting on the porch for a lovely day of reading and drinking iced tea.

109. thank the lord!

It's about time too. Honestly I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, starve? I've got to get my body down to a decent size and number, but it felt like no matter what I did I would be that big fat 111 or 112.

Today we are going to Bollywood Cafe in Worcester/Shrewsbury. I'm excited, I haven't had delicious Indian food in so long! I honestly think that the last time I had Indian food was when a roommate in college (the first time) brought some that her mother had made. It was delicious, I think I ate more than what was polite... and back then I could eat eat eat! Which is why I got so fat (144) and why I have to be on top of myself now (109! Yeah!).

Okay, well. Probably write again today.

thinspo for today: First day of June:

I'm proud of this girl (no, it's not me) she lost almost 30 pounds, which is amazing that the body on the left is only 150... to be quite honest I'm thinking she's only 4 feet tall if that's 150! But the 121 body is good, she should still work on it. No thigh gap, hips are still a little puffy, arms droop.  Tummy looks great. But there's always room for improvement.

112... Kay-Riste!

Well, I just don't seem to be able to lose any of this weight. But it is really hot. I think I'm bloated with heat and sweat.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to get my oil changed, and then spend the day with my wonderful husband.

Got the reading list from Renee Reeves, the historiography grad teacher... uhm, looks pretty crappy. Lots of Latin American history, couldn't care less about that stuff. But I have to take this course, it's the big deal course of the program.

Okay, here's my thought for the day:

Lovely long pins!

Thigh gap thinspirations

I've got to have skinnier pins. I want that lovely little lanky look. I was thinny thinny pins to toddle about on.  No food and lots of running. Water.

112, pure hell

So I just can't seem to shake this fat. It's on my ass, it's on my arms, it's on my hips, it's on my thighs. I think I even see my face getting fatter. This is driving me crazy. I know that it's hot and that's causing me to bloat, but honestly what am I doing wrong?

112 is so fucking fat. My hips are 36 inches. Yeah, if it was 1965 and ever girl was a big fatty I'd be hot. But it's 2013 and girls are supposed to be lovely and slender. I'm chunky and baggy. I can't wait to get back to running and run away from my fat fat fat body.

On the right path

So I did today well. Breakfast: toast with margarine. Lunch: carrots, apple, yogurt, diet soda. Dinner: fruit salad, tea.

I'm done eating for the evening, but may have toast as a snack.

I want to get to slender and perfect. I was so close only a few weeks ago. It's so distressing to think that I was 107, 105 within my grasp, and I let it all go to pot. Now I am suffering at a big portly 111. Gross. My measurements are all swollen as well. 21 inch thighs, hips and bum 36 inches! Fatty fatty two by four!

I've got to get to slender and tiny and fragile. I want to look like I float as I walk. I want people to be afraid of how little I am, as though I were made of fragile tender glass. I want to walk on skinny pins and move with graceful tender arms. I want a wasp thin waist and tiny facial features. All this is in my power, I just have to work for it.

Can't wait for school to be over so I can run again. I'll get rid of my flabby thighs this summer and tighten the bum.

Johnny Depp is Tonto...

so yeah, that's pretty racist.

chubbing up

So I woke up at 111 this morning and came home to 112. Fucking christ, I'm getting fat again. This is going to stop. I feel like a big beached whale siting here. I can feel my big blubbery hips spilling over the sides of my ass, and my nasty jiggly ass blobbing around when I walk. People must look at me and want to vomit. Disgusting.

Well, that's it. Starvation city here I come. Toast in the morning with water. Carrots, apple and yogurt for lunch. Diet fizz for snack, or just more water. I wonder if the diet fizz is making me fat. It's got no calories, but maybe it has something else that it making me bloat? Then toast and water for dinner.

Screw being fat!

Remember your goal:

Mexican food

I'm worried about eating today. I don't want to get fat, and hopefully this food will able to run through me fast as sin. I'm going to hit the website to see what I can eat and what I should avoid.

Okay, so I'm on their website and it's ridiculous. It's not how the food is prepared and the ultimate calories, but is asking me to construct the meal to add the calories together. Bullshit!

Okay, so I'm going to just wing it and hope and pray it's not all hugely fattening.

Cupcakes at 9pm

Got a big delicious choco cupcake from Barnes and Nobles yesterday and ate it with my wonderful husband at NINE at night. yikes. I'm terrified to step on that scale. I mean, I pregamed it with six laxatives, and chased it with four more. So it, and everything else, is gone, but the damage is done. I know I'm not 110 on that scale. If it's just 111 or even 112, I can handle it. Alright, here I go...

Okay, I'm 110.2. Not too damned shabby! I'm actually pretty psyched about that. So today, I agreed to go out to a Chipotle restaurant which means eating food. Ugh. Maybe Monday I can get a fast in. Or I could probably do a modified fast during the school week. I'll give it a try. Most school days I stick to my 350 - 400 cal daily diet with no problem. It's just that once the weekends get here, it's tough. Michael wants to eat food and isn't afraid of being a little heavy, but I live in abject terror of it!

200 posts

Wow. I like to write about destroying my body.

Anyway, down to 110/109 which is nice. Happy to back there. And I've got my period, so that means I'm carrying around a few extra pounds of bloat. Hopefully that will leave me soon. I'd like to end May at 107. If I can't get my fat ass down to 105 then I can at least get to 107.

I feel good tho. Maybe it's the weather... nope! Rainy and cold here. I almost wanted to turn the heat on, but I just won't out of principle.

I was turned down by Nashoba, again. That school is a fucking joke. The halls are dark, the students are terrible and the staff is angry. I wouldn't work there to save my life! I know it sounds like sour grapes, but honestly that staff is rotten. They walk around angry at the students and bitching about what "bad kids" and "spoiled little rich brats" they have. I don't want to work with people who are mad all of the time and who clearly hate students, teens and teaching. I wonder what possesses people like that to even get into this gig... anyhoo.

I'm feeling good. 'Chaug is wonderful and I love it there.

Slow and steady shrinking

So today I woke up at 110, and I'm at 111.8 now. Not too bad. Much better than the 114 flare up! Holy shit did that send me over the edge. Honestly I thought I was going to start vomiting or something that day. But I have been sticking to my 350 - 400 calorie a day diet for the entire week and it's paid off! I've also been poisoning myself thin to make sure I can keep it off.

Very glad to be floating away. That's funny, a fellow teacher said he wanted to "float" away and just turn his brain off today. I can relate. I think it would be nice to live as a no one in a day. Have no memory of my life, no past, no ambition or fear of the future. Just that one day. I wonder if I would remember to not eat, and to make sure I was sick.

Tomorrow I pick up my paper. Excited. I like having all of my work in one place. Control!

slowly shrinking

Gonna get myself back down. I started today at 110. Not too shabby, especially when I remembered that I had forgotten to take my lax to get the ugly food out. So I gobbled some down on my way out the door this morning and said "good bye" to dinner. Thank god. I feel so much better with the food out of my body.

It's an interesting thought. I have to take foreign objects and feed them into my body, hoping that they will be deconstructed and utilized, then processed into waist and ejected. Why? Why am I putting animal parts and plants into my body? they are foreign. Water makes sense. 78% of my body, and your body, and all of our bodies, are water. But 0% is apple, or lettuce, or beef. So why am I putting them in? Doesn't my body, the well-functioning machine, have the capacity to create energy of its own? The tree doesn't take parts of me and put me in. A bee doesn't eat carrots. Why am I eating? It's weight.

Anyway. Today started with a big breakfast: slim whole wheat bagel with low cal veggie spread. Lunch: carrots, apple, yogurt. Unfortunately my students gave me their school-made cookies! Dammit!  Dinner: two bowls of cereal; cheese and crackers two pretzels.  Now it's just water for the rest of the night. I'm thinking that my weight gain may also be related to the water intake. So I'm okay with that. Water is good for you, and it keeps me from feeling hungry because I'm so damned full of water!

Had a good day. Felt like a little goodie-two-shoes of a girl. Got a ton of compliments on my dress.  Funny because I wear it all the time!

111 better.

Okay, better. I'm back on track. Today was a good day. I had two diet fizzy drinks, lots and lots of water. An apple, a piece of toast, yogurt and skipped my carrots. Now I'm enjoying a tuna roll with a handful of cheezits. A little more than I'd like to have eaten, but I'm back on track!

Lots of protein in tuna, and protein fills you up. Also gives you lots of energy.  Cheezits are just a great treat. I deserve it.

Time to take control

Alright, the weight is back because I left too much up to chance. From now on, control control control! I'm going to ensure that I'm going to drink plenty of water and diet fizz. I'm going back on the diet.
Breakfast: single piece of whole wheat toast and glass of water (goodbye tea!):  128 calories
Lunch:  one apple, ten baby carrots, low cal yogurt, diet fizz: 210
Dinner:  bowl of cereal more water or diet fizz:  110
Alternate dinner:  fruit salad (3 strawberries, 15 blueberries, 1 kiwi) 86 cal
TOTAL FOR THE DAY:  448 or 344

That's my goal. I'm going to follow this diet for the next 21 days.
I'll blog to make sure that's what I follow.

114? WTF!

I can't believe I let myself get so fat. Each piece of gingerbread that I stuffed in my fat face I KNEW was stuffing fat onto my belly and thighs and ass, but oh no, I had to eat it. Well, no more baking for me. I'm getting this off if it kills me. I've taken about 8 laxatives and can feel the effects. Eating will only be raw veg and fruit with NO breads or anything. I'll fill myself with diet fizz and get this fucking fat off of me!

Began today with yoga

It's a nice way to start the day, and I'm hoping that over the summer I remember to start every day this way. I feel pretty good these days. The weather, sun, air are all in agreement that Spring has finally arrived and are working in tandem to deliver Massachusetts from the grips of a dreary Winter.

Editor's note: I like capitalizing the names of seasons. I feel like we should because in a way they are proper nouns, and distinct names. I dunno. I'm being a bit of a silly English nerd, so it's all good.

Winter wasn't bad, it was dark. I want to call it bleak but that's me being hyperbolic. It was dark and cold and snowy. But it was also lovely, and warm and family-oriented. I love those times. Christmas was a brilliant time. However, that's the rub isn't it? Christmas is Dec 25th, and winter won't end until March. So after the lovely candlelit brilliance of Christmastime we are left to dwell and carve out a life in the small dark months with no promise of anything glittering and special to relieve us. I would recommend celebrating the birth of Christ slightly later in the season, but I would be burnt as a witch. Also, he was probably born in March. Has anyone other than me ever done the math on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception to the Birth? She was either pregnant for more than a calendar year, or he was CRAZY Premature! eh, s'all good. It's a metaphor and a beautiful metaphor at that.

Anyway, enough heresy for the day. My mother is a wonderful catholic and just because I can't wrap my head around the logistics of it doesn't mean I get to criticize it. I like it, but I like it on a metaphorical level.

8 Mile run

So I began my day in beautiful fashion. I donned my new running shoes, got PJ O'Rourke's On the Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith on my ipod, and ran 8 miles around my cute little town. The air was perfect, the sun was gentle, the smells of the town ran from pond water to fresh cut grass. It was amazing! I loved it.

First, PJ O'Rourke is hilarious, and he has a great take on Smith's work. I'm hoping to read his work over the summer...900 pages on economy... good times!

So did you catch what I said in the first paragraph?  I donned my NEW running shoes? Then ran 8 miles.  Yup, I have blisters twice the size of silver dollars on the back of both of my feet. Good times.

Meanwhile I enjoyed a nice slice of gingerbread with a great cup of my new tea, sunset spice (basically it's black tea with cinnamon). Then Michael and I went out for pizza and he talked me into one with pepperoni, sausage and bacon. I'm praying for my death, the pizza tasted so good and I feel so sick.  Gross.

Sick as a dog

This is ridiculous. I think my seniors got a stomach bug, managed to give it to me and then take today off as senior skip day. F!

So this morning I was thinking of how we live in a culture that feeds vice, and feeds off of it. Not just the bad, or the intense, the small, mundane examples of vice. For example, I had read the Songs of Fire and Ice series, it's more commonly known as Game of Thrones, and while I thoroughly enjoyed it I was ruminating over it recently. I have to confess that while it was entertaining, and it's not poorly written, these books, ultimately appeal to the lowest common denominator.  I mean, these books aren't about the best of us, working together to create a more perfect union, rather it rewards the base in us. The stories appeal, not to the desire to better our minds and souls, but to the base, violent, mysognistic monster that lives within us all. It feeds these monsters.

There is a lot of media out there that feeds the monsters. All kinds of media, which is why I take exception to people insinuating (or flat out saying) that television is crap. Yes, television is crap. It's also wonderful. I often wonder if these people ever watch PBS. Or NatGeo. Or H2... regular history channel actually is total crap these days.  But books are just as bad. I'm going to go on a reading diet. No more literature that feeds the monster. I will read only the books assigned by professors, books on improvement of Latin and French and books on science. Beyond this I think I'm going to take this summer to focus my reading on the ecclesiastical works of people like Augustine, or even Boetheus' Consolations of Philosophy. I haven't read either of those in years. Consolations is honestly one of the most profound works I've encountered.

I wish the people I worked with were more scholarly. They are all fine well meaning people, and I enjoy their company but I find myself putting on a ridiculously childish demeanour just to keep them from seeing my true desire for serious study. They are great people, and devoted educators. But they are happy where they are. They have no need to strive further and to reach higher. It's so foreign.

Oh course, I'm not the healthiest human on the planet. I'm determined to slowly destroy myself. But even that is a study. I want to experiment to see how far I can take myself to nothing before that crosses into something new. People are so happy to be where they are. I want to see what's next, what's after.

Gingerbread and lemonade

Just made a delicious dinner of spaghetti and homemade meatballs with a yummy loaf of italian bread. I'm trying to be a better wife. So Tuesday I made a nice yummy chicken and dumpling stew, which Michael ate up like nobody's business.  WE had the leftovers yesterday and I did the spaghetti tonight. Tomorrow is chinese take away, delicious.

So I am reading We Have Always Lived in the Castle, and the sister to the narrator made gingerbread as an early spring snack. Granted it's mid-spring here, but it's being a little chilly for my tastes. So I'm happy about that, going to settle down to a nice slice of gingerbread and a big tall glass of ice cold lemonade. I feel like it should be summer vacation.

This morning I had a great treat but it turned out to be not true. I got on the scale and saw my dream come true... 105. But that was wrong. I got on again and the true reading of 109 came on. I didn't eat much today just a scone for breakfast and my carrots for lunch. I could barely get down a small plate of spaghetti with two meatballs before I got sick. Not interested in food lately.

Fainting spells

Okay, I'm wicked happy today. First my stomach is crazy flat. It's so flat I can't even push it out to make a pot belly. I was rubbing it and honestly it's just all muscle. Yeah, super skinny represent!  Probably why I'm so damned cold all of the time.

Second, I nearly fainted this morning from lack of food... and I didn't even feel hungry! YEAH! Finally broke through the need to eat and re-educated my brain about food. It's not about eating, or enjoying eating. It's only about keeping my body fueled enough to say erect.

BTW read the book We Have Always Lived in the Castle.  It's a crazy brilliant book.

Spinning and sinking

I'm not depressed, I'm just floating on empty. I made a delicious dinner for us tonight, chicken stew and dumplings with cheese biscuits. Very delicious! Finished it off with a nice slice of peach pie.. yum! And followed it with a healthy helping of laxatives to make sure it doesn't stay. I don't want that weight in me. I don't want those calories moving to my stomach, or ass, or thighs. I want it flying out.  Good bye!

Food news - you've eaten enough this week!

I forgot to mention! I got so hungry today I almost passed out behind the wheel.  Granted the behind the wheel part is not good but knowing that I can deny myself food to the point of this new extreme makes me really proud.  I'm going to fast Friday Saturday and Sunday with running 8 miles on all days. Water only.

Interviewed today

So I had my interview at Nashoba today. I think it went well. If I don't get this job it will be a very talented person to knock me out.... or the superintendent just decided to go with someone else. I wouldn't be surprised to find that I was knocked aside for the superintendent's choice, it wouldn't be the first time.

At any rate the questions were good and I could answer all of them with a brilliant and insightful answer. Except the "what is your definition of inclusion" I've always been a little hazy on exactly what inclusion it. I think it means that I should make sure my curriculum is balanced and diverse enough to INCLUDE everyone. But that could also be wrong.

Anyway, back to school tomorrow. Had a good conversation with a professor about how the term American needs to be in constant flux, that once a person "defines" it that definition becomes obsolete and it's this transitory nature of the idea that makes America so strong. That if we are to be a good nation, a strong leader in the world, we just be in constant flux and under constant self-scrutiny, and going through discourse.

Three day week... Monday, off; Tuesday Wednesday Thursday, regular ed; Friday, no seniors!
I love Senior Skip Day!

Interview today

I've got an interview at my husband's school today. Very excited, but also a little nervous, and more so a little worried.

Excited - it would be fantastic to work at my husband's school. We would save a ton of money in gas and could even become a single car family.  I could get a dog, and be more active in my school's community. I could concentrate on my MA in history with less time in the car.. less time in the CAR!

Nervous - this will be my THIRD interview in this school district. I interviewed at a junior high and was the top pick, only be replaced by an internal candidate because the superintendent likes to play with people. Then I interviewed for an English position at the high school. I was the top pick for that job, but lost out to an internal candidate as the superintendent decided to shuffle people around again.  Hmmm.... interesting little pattern.

Worried - two things. One, there's no reason to not suspect that I'm going to be the top candidate who will once again, lose out to an internal shuffle. Two, what if I get it? What if I'm actually hired? I have to leave Minnechaug, and all the people I work with. I have to leave a school that I'm brilliantly successful at and hope and pray I'm just as successful at a new school? What if I'm laid off? What if I'm not as good? What am I doing?

I want the things that come with working closer. But I'm worried that I won't be successful.

Pancakes and family time

Went home to my family and had breakfast foods. They made it especially for me. Very happy. It was nice, but I can't help it. I want that food out of me. YUCK! I've got all that food inside me, just sitting around turning into fat. Nasty!

So it was nice to go home and be with them. I have an excellent family. My family is much better than most people. I have a cool family that is very intelligent. But they are also just real people. I have a bunch of pretentious douche bags sitting around a wine bottle talking fucking nonsense. I got a bunch of people sitting around pancakes talking about Billy Madison one minute and the Dirty Deal between Winston Churchill and Stalin the next. Actually my mother brought up an interesting question, she asked what started the cold war. Great question right? It generated like 2 hours of conversation.

Love my mother, she's so fucking smart and awesome.

Proms suck

So last night just completely sucked. I hate chaperoning proms to being with. Most of the kids are good and you don't have to worry about them, but then you do get some kids who want to get drunk they want to get high or they just want to start shit.

We only had the mouthy little fuckers type. Which is good. But they were rampant!

Michael did his usual ignore-the-shit-out-of-me routine. I mean, it's so bad that occasionally he would talk to someone with his hands moving about and practically hit me in the face. Sitting on Michael's side is always a hazard for someone my height as it's possible to get slapped. He just talked to everyone there... oh no, he talked to everyone ELSE there. And after promising me ONE slow dance, he reneged on it. No surprise there, that man will think up any lie to get out of what he doesn't want to do. Can't wait to see what he says to get out of going to my mother's today. Any my mother is adorable.... couldn't imagine anyone not wanting to see her.

Anyway, I know it sounds whiny, "wah my husband didn't pay me enough attention at a school function" but it's just a sign of a bigger problem. When ever anyone else shows up I disappear. He will back into me, or stand on top of me, or almost clobber me. But it's like I become invisible.

So I have to start thinking about whether I deserve a man who still notices me or not. I think I do.

I liked how Sean always had an ear out for any question I asked at lunch on our last class. Even if he was entirely engaged in a conversation with someone much louder than me, he would keep an ear out for me. For example, Justin was talking (rather loudly) about something from the book, it was a good question, but I wanted to know what type of dog another professor had, it was a foolish question but we had just discussed it. So I asked softly across the table to the girl (I forget her name, but she won Graduate student of the year and is very nice and smart) and she started to answer but couldn't recall perfectly. Sean leaned over and told me "English springer spaniels" and was able to go back to his conversation in a heart beat. That's exactly how a man aught to be!

So I'm not saying I'm in love with Sean, he's charming and very intelligent and has that nerdy vibe that I dig, but he's married with three children. I'm saying I wish my husband would behave like Sean. And yeah, I'm a little attracted to Sean but who isn't!

Running tomorrow morning

Tomorrow morning I hit the road for my 8-mile circuit. I think maybe by mid-summer I'd like to be able to run to NH and back. I'll have to look into treks through Winchendon (winchentucky). But that's good.

Class ended and I'm feeling a little low. I'm not going to take anything over the summer. I'm going to sit on my back porch and read all day and night. And that sounds exciting enough for me. Maybe head out to some parks and hike or just walk around.

Feeling fat today. Took many laxatives and am hoping to float away to the lovely empty feeling. Bobby left today and I feel very low about that. He was awful. I tried to be helpful and open to him but he would just wipe his ass with most of my advice and help. So what could I do? Meanwhile I'm still a woman so I'm internalizing his failure. His failure as a student teacher is a reflection on my inability to guide him to a better understanding of this profession. I know that's bullshit but I honestly worry that I was bitchy, or could have helped him more, or could have be more patient.

10 more laxatives and I won't feel a goddamn thing, so yup, that's my plan. I hate feelings, I just want to feel empty. I want to float away to "don't care" and just ride my empty until I die.

Summer: latin, reading, french, piano, running.

Watching people eat

is the worst thing on the planet. Just let me say that. So I had my last graduate class tonight. Very fun, we met at a coffee shop. Cute little place, saw an old professor and was pretty happy to see him. Anyway, the young kid in the class with the eating disorder was ON today. He got this fried cheese sandwich, i dunno, and it was disgusting. Just so horrid.  I don't know why people think I have an eating disorder. Yeah, okay, I eat about 800 to 1000 calories a day. I take laxatives to make sure I can't keep the food in me, and I burnt off all of my body fat. But I keep my body tight, I look good and I'm obviously healthy. so I think someone that eats what must be 5000 cals a day (meal) has the DISorder.

Anyway, I loved this class. I'm sad to end this class. It was a blast, and I really liked the professor, and the other classmates.  Hoping the paper turns out okay, but I'm aiming for a C. Really I don't think I pulled out this last one. I think it fell apart.

Summer off. Next semester: Historiography!

107 this morning

I think I can! I think I can!  So hopefully I'm getting slimmy again!

My paper is just awful, but it's finished. I just wish I had done a better job. I've looked it over so often I feel like I might just go cross-eyed if I have to look at it once more.  This was a fantastic class, and I loved it. But I honestly did not do the best possible work. In fact I think I phoned it in. Lazy lazy.

108. Not too shabby

I'm doing well. I think the spring has had a good effect on me. I don't feel the need to float away and while I do still want to be little and slim it's more so people will overlook me. Being skinny and little is a great defense. No one will want anything from someone whose body looks like it can't produce life. I'm pretty happy about my shape. I want to make sure I keep shrinking.

So with any luck I'll hit 105 this month. I have 3 1/2 weeks to shed 3 pounds. I'm pretty sure if I just keep going at this rate I can make it. Then in June I'll concentrate on getting down to 100. Hopefully at that weight my periods will stop.

Okay, on it's weigh down

Ha ha! Get it? On it's WEIGH down. I'm a loser. Yup, but I'm a skinny loser!  So I'm doing well with not eating. I get up, have a thin whole wheat bagel with lowfat/lowcal veggie cream cheese (no lie, it's actually really tasty!) then lunch is a bag of grapes, bag of baby carrots, one apple, one lowcal greek yogurt and four cookies... with a fizzy cola sugar free. Dinner is a bowl of cereal or a piece of wheat toast, then a later evening snack of another bag of grapes or a fruit salad. It's more calories than I'd like but the eating more often keeps my metabolism up. I feel more alert and the numbers are going down. Hoping to see 107 soon.

Anyway, my paper is killing me. Hoping to get that fucking thing done tonight. Thursday I have my class. So if I can finish the paper, then I can read tomorrow night and be ready for the class. I'm way behind in my correcting... just will have to wait until the weekend.  We are going to have a good time at Chiabo's, and I'm going to get anything I want to eat. So I'm going to make sure I take care of myself this week and have a good time Thursday.

Student teacher C-

So we had our last meeting about this fucking kid. He's getting a C-, he did the bare minimum. I'm certain that there will be tears, but you know what, I'm a cold hearted bitch and I just don't fucking care anymore. I mean, I'm actually a really nice person, like a crazy nice and considerate person. I just can't care anymore about this fucking kid. I worked to give him feedback and help him out and more often than not he just wiped his ass with it. So fuck him, C-. Not a fan of you kid.

Summer foods

So I'm hoping that this month sees me get to 105. My goal weight is 100 by August 3rd (birthday).  If I want to achieve this then I have to consider what I'm eating. Oddly I have a feeling that if I increase my protein intake I might have more luck.

So the goal is...
Current weight 110 (fat, gross, FAT!) - May 5th
End of May - 105 (eh, pretty okay, probably a little pudgy still)
End of June - 100 (nice)

Oh, I just realized that June comes after May... not July after May. So I have a while to chizzle away at that last 10 pounds. I'd like to try for this schedule. Running, and walking and eating very little.

Okay, well, good luck to me. Maybe I could hit 96 (ultimate goal weight) by my birthday.

Ugh, this paper

So I know I started this to open a dialogue with my eating disorder but I'm going to use this open a dialogue with my MA History pursuing self. Why are you doing this?  You teach English and you just finished your MA in English. So what do you do?  Do you take a year off to study? Or just take a year to read for pleasure? Or maybe just take a year to become stronger at teaching. No. Not you.

First you had the unfortunate circumstance of being a star teacher at your school. Yes, each review ends with "you rock" and "sky's the limit for someone like you" and "please don't leave" I'm not bragging, I'm quoting!  So there was no need to re-examine how and what you teach. But the reality is that while you like teaching, learning is your passion.  You want to be a student forever.

So why not take something like a painting or drawing class? Or even ballet or piano. No. You have to dive head first into a Master's program in history. And what does that mean? Writing papers that you sort of get, and sort of don't.  Papers that while the topic is interesting, don't exactly write themselves.

Ugh. Okay, back to work.... or maybe it's time to make toast.

Yeah, it's time for toast and a cup of tea.