Friday, May 31, 2013

112... Kay-Riste!

Well, I just don't seem to be able to lose any of this weight. But it is really hot. I think I'm bloated with heat and sweat.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to get my oil changed, and then spend the day with my wonderful husband.

Got the reading list from Renee Reeves, the historiography grad teacher... uhm, looks pretty crappy. Lots of Latin American history, couldn't care less about that stuff. But I have to take this course, it's the big deal course of the program.

Okay, here's my thought for the day:

Lovely long pins!

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Thigh gap thinspirations

I've got to have skinnier pins. I want that lovely little lanky look. I was thinny thinny pins to toddle about on.  No food and lots of running. Water.

112, pure hell

So I just can't seem to shake this fat. It's on my ass, it's on my arms, it's on my hips, it's on my thighs. I think I even see my face getting fatter. This is driving me crazy. I know that it's hot and that's causing me to bloat, but honestly what am I doing wrong?

112 is so fucking fat. My hips are 36 inches. Yeah, if it was 1965 and ever girl was a big fatty I'd be hot. But it's 2013 and girls are supposed to be lovely and slender. I'm chunky and baggy. I can't wait to get back to running and run away from my fat fat fat body.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

On the right path

So I did today well. Breakfast: toast with margarine. Lunch: carrots, apple, yogurt, diet soda. Dinner: fruit salad, tea.

I'm done eating for the evening, but may have toast as a snack.

I want to get to slender and perfect. I was so close only a few weeks ago. It's so distressing to think that I was 107, 105 within my grasp, and I let it all go to pot. Now I am suffering at a big portly 111. Gross. My measurements are all swollen as well. 21 inch thighs, hips and bum 36 inches! Fatty fatty two by four!

I've got to get to slender and tiny and fragile. I want to look like I float as I walk. I want people to be afraid of how little I am, as though I were made of fragile tender glass. I want to walk on skinny pins and move with graceful tender arms. I want a wasp thin waist and tiny facial features. All this is in my power, I just have to work for it.

Can't wait for school to be over so I can run again. I'll get rid of my flabby thighs this summer and tighten the bum.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Johnny Depp is Tonto...

so yeah, that's pretty racist.

chubbing up

So I woke up at 111 this morning and came home to 112. Fucking christ, I'm getting fat again. This is going to stop. I feel like a big beached whale siting here. I can feel my big blubbery hips spilling over the sides of my ass, and my nasty jiggly ass blobbing around when I walk. People must look at me and want to vomit. Disgusting.

Well, that's it. Starvation city here I come. Toast in the morning with water. Carrots, apple and yogurt for lunch. Diet fizz for snack, or just more water. I wonder if the diet fizz is making me fat. It's got no calories, but maybe it has something else that it making me bloat? Then toast and water for dinner.

Screw being fat!

Remember your goal:

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Mexican food

I'm worried about eating today. I don't want to get fat, and hopefully this food will able to run through me fast as sin. I'm going to hit the website to see what I can eat and what I should avoid.

Okay, so I'm on their website and it's ridiculous. It's not how the food is prepared and the ultimate calories, but is asking me to construct the meal to add the calories together. Bullshit!

Okay, so I'm going to just wing it and hope and pray it's not all hugely fattening.

Cupcakes at 9pm

Got a big delicious choco cupcake from Barnes and Nobles yesterday and ate it with my wonderful husband at NINE at night. yikes. I'm terrified to step on that scale. I mean, I pregamed it with six laxatives, and chased it with four more. So it, and everything else, is gone, but the damage is done. I know I'm not 110 on that scale. If it's just 111 or even 112, I can handle it. Alright, here I go...

Okay, I'm 110.2. Not too damned shabby! I'm actually pretty psyched about that. So today, I agreed to go out to a Chipotle restaurant which means eating food. Ugh. Maybe Monday I can get a fast in. Or I could probably do a modified fast during the school week. I'll give it a try. Most school days I stick to my 350 - 400 cal daily diet with no problem. It's just that once the weekends get here, it's tough. Michael wants to eat food and isn't afraid of being a little heavy, but I live in abject terror of it!

Saturday, May 25, 2013

200 posts

Wow. I like to write about destroying my body.

Anyway, down to 110/109 which is nice. Happy to back there. And I've got my period, so that means I'm carrying around a few extra pounds of bloat. Hopefully that will leave me soon. I'd like to end May at 107. If I can't get my fat ass down to 105 then I can at least get to 107.

I feel good tho. Maybe it's the weather... nope! Rainy and cold here. I almost wanted to turn the heat on, but I just won't out of principle.

I was turned down by Nashoba, again. That school is a fucking joke. The halls are dark, the students are terrible and the staff is angry. I wouldn't work there to save my life! I know it sounds like sour grapes, but honestly that staff is rotten. They walk around angry at the students and bitching about what "bad kids" and "spoiled little rich brats" they have. I don't want to work with people who are mad all of the time and who clearly hate students, teens and teaching. I wonder what possesses people like that to even get into this gig... anyhoo.

I'm feeling good. 'Chaug is wonderful and I love it there.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Slow and steady shrinking

So today I woke up at 110, and I'm at 111.8 now. Not too bad. Much better than the 114 flare up! Holy shit did that send me over the edge. Honestly I thought I was going to start vomiting or something that day. But I have been sticking to my 350 - 400 calorie a day diet for the entire week and it's paid off! I've also been poisoning myself thin to make sure I can keep it off.

Very glad to be floating away. That's funny, a fellow teacher said he wanted to "float" away and just turn his brain off today. I can relate. I think it would be nice to live as a no one in a day. Have no memory of my life, no past, no ambition or fear of the future. Just that one day. I wonder if I would remember to not eat, and to make sure I was sick.

Tomorrow I pick up my paper. Excited. I like having all of my work in one place. Control!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

slowly shrinking

Gonna get myself back down. I started today at 110. Not too shabby, especially when I remembered that I had forgotten to take my lax to get the ugly food out. So I gobbled some down on my way out the door this morning and said "good bye" to dinner. Thank god. I feel so much better with the food out of my body.

It's an interesting thought. I have to take foreign objects and feed them into my body, hoping that they will be deconstructed and utilized, then processed into waist and ejected. Why? Why am I putting animal parts and plants into my body? they are foreign. Water makes sense. 78% of my body, and your body, and all of our bodies, are water. But 0% is apple, or lettuce, or beef. So why am I putting them in? Doesn't my body, the well-functioning machine, have the capacity to create energy of its own? The tree doesn't take parts of me and put me in. A bee doesn't eat carrots. Why am I eating? It's weight.

Anyway. Today started with a big breakfast: slim whole wheat bagel with low cal veggie spread. Lunch: carrots, apple, yogurt. Unfortunately my students gave me their school-made cookies! Dammit!  Dinner: two bowls of cereal; cheese and crackers two pretzels.  Now it's just water for the rest of the night. I'm thinking that my weight gain may also be related to the water intake. So I'm okay with that. Water is good for you, and it keeps me from feeling hungry because I'm so damned full of water!

Had a good day. Felt like a little goodie-two-shoes of a girl. Got a ton of compliments on my dress.  Funny because I wear it all the time!

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

111 better.

Okay, better. I'm back on track. Today was a good day. I had two diet fizzy drinks, lots and lots of water. An apple, a piece of toast, yogurt and skipped my carrots. Now I'm enjoying a tuna roll with a handful of cheezits. A little more than I'd like to have eaten, but I'm back on track!

Lots of protein in tuna, and protein fills you up. Also gives you lots of energy.  Cheezits are just a great treat. I deserve it.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Time to take control

Alright, the weight is back because I left too much up to chance. From now on, control control control! I'm going to ensure that I'm going to drink plenty of water and diet fizz. I'm going back on the diet.
Breakfast: single piece of whole wheat toast and glass of water (goodbye tea!):  128 calories
Lunch:  one apple, ten baby carrots, low cal yogurt, diet fizz: 210
Dinner:  bowl of cereal more water or diet fizz:  110
Alternate dinner:  fruit salad (3 strawberries, 15 blueberries, 1 kiwi) 86 cal
TOTAL FOR THE DAY:  448 or 344

That's my goal. I'm going to follow this diet for the next 21 days.
I'll blog to make sure that's what I follow.

114? WTF!

I can't believe I let myself get so fat. Each piece of gingerbread that I stuffed in my fat face I KNEW was stuffing fat onto my belly and thighs and ass, but oh no, I had to eat it. Well, no more baking for me. I'm getting this off if it kills me. I've taken about 8 laxatives and can feel the effects. Eating will only be raw veg and fruit with NO breads or anything. I'll fill myself with diet fizz and get this fucking fat off of me!

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Began today with yoga

It's a nice way to start the day, and I'm hoping that over the summer I remember to start every day this way. I feel pretty good these days. The weather, sun, air are all in agreement that Spring has finally arrived and are working in tandem to deliver Massachusetts from the grips of a dreary Winter.

Editor's note: I like capitalizing the names of seasons. I feel like we should because in a way they are proper nouns, and distinct names. I dunno. I'm being a bit of a silly English nerd, so it's all good.

Winter wasn't bad, it was dark. I want to call it bleak but that's me being hyperbolic. It was dark and cold and snowy. But it was also lovely, and warm and family-oriented. I love those times. Christmas was a brilliant time. However, that's the rub isn't it? Christmas is Dec 25th, and winter won't end until March. So after the lovely candlelit brilliance of Christmastime we are left to dwell and carve out a life in the small dark months with no promise of anything glittering and special to relieve us. I would recommend celebrating the birth of Christ slightly later in the season, but I would be burnt as a witch. Also, he was probably born in March. Has anyone other than me ever done the math on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception to the Birth? She was either pregnant for more than a calendar year, or he was CRAZY Premature! eh, s'all good. It's a metaphor and a beautiful metaphor at that.

Anyway, enough heresy for the day. My mother is a wonderful catholic and just because I can't wrap my head around the logistics of it doesn't mean I get to criticize it. I like it, but I like it on a metaphorical level.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

8 Mile run

So I began my day in beautiful fashion. I donned my new running shoes, got PJ O'Rourke's On the Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith on my ipod, and ran 8 miles around my cute little town. The air was perfect, the sun was gentle, the smells of the town ran from pond water to fresh cut grass. It was amazing! I loved it.

First, PJ O'Rourke is hilarious, and he has a great take on Smith's work. I'm hoping to read his work over the summer...900 pages on economy... good times!

So did you catch what I said in the first paragraph?  I donned my NEW running shoes? Then ran 8 miles.  Yup, I have blisters twice the size of silver dollars on the back of both of my feet. Good times.

Meanwhile I enjoyed a nice slice of gingerbread with a great cup of my new tea, sunset spice (basically it's black tea with cinnamon). Then Michael and I went out for pizza and he talked me into one with pepperoni, sausage and bacon. I'm praying for my death, the pizza tasted so good and I feel so sick.  Gross.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Sick as a dog

This is ridiculous. I think my seniors got a stomach bug, managed to give it to me and then take today off as senior skip day. F!

So this morning I was thinking of how we live in a culture that feeds vice, and feeds off of it. Not just the bad, or the intense, the small, mundane examples of vice. For example, I had read the Songs of Fire and Ice series, it's more commonly known as Game of Thrones, and while I thoroughly enjoyed it I was ruminating over it recently. I have to confess that while it was entertaining, and it's not poorly written, these books, ultimately appeal to the lowest common denominator.  I mean, these books aren't about the best of us, working together to create a more perfect union, rather it rewards the base in us. The stories appeal, not to the desire to better our minds and souls, but to the base, violent, mysognistic monster that lives within us all. It feeds these monsters.

There is a lot of media out there that feeds the monsters. All kinds of media, which is why I take exception to people insinuating (or flat out saying) that television is crap. Yes, television is crap. It's also wonderful. I often wonder if these people ever watch PBS. Or NatGeo. Or H2... regular history channel actually is total crap these days.  But books are just as bad. I'm going to go on a reading diet. No more literature that feeds the monster. I will read only the books assigned by professors, books on improvement of Latin and French and books on science. Beyond this I think I'm going to take this summer to focus my reading on the ecclesiastical works of people like Augustine, or even Boetheus' Consolations of Philosophy. I haven't read either of those in years. Consolations is honestly one of the most profound works I've encountered.

I wish the people I worked with were more scholarly. They are all fine well meaning people, and I enjoy their company but I find myself putting on a ridiculously childish demeanour just to keep them from seeing my true desire for serious study. They are great people, and devoted educators. But they are happy where they are. They have no need to strive further and to reach higher. It's so foreign.

Oh course, I'm not the healthiest human on the planet. I'm determined to slowly destroy myself. But even that is a study. I want to experiment to see how far I can take myself to nothing before that crosses into something new. People are so happy to be where they are. I want to see what's next, what's after.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Gingerbread and lemonade

Just made a delicious dinner of spaghetti and homemade meatballs with a yummy loaf of italian bread. I'm trying to be a better wife. So Tuesday I made a nice yummy chicken and dumpling stew, which Michael ate up like nobody's business.  WE had the leftovers yesterday and I did the spaghetti tonight. Tomorrow is chinese take away, delicious.

So I am reading We Have Always Lived in the Castle, and the sister to the narrator made gingerbread as an early spring snack. Granted it's mid-spring here, but it's being a little chilly for my tastes. So I'm happy about that, going to settle down to a nice slice of gingerbread and a big tall glass of ice cold lemonade. I feel like it should be summer vacation.

This morning I had a great treat but it turned out to be not true. I got on the scale and saw my dream come true... 105. But that was wrong. I got on again and the true reading of 109 came on. I didn't eat much today just a scone for breakfast and my carrots for lunch. I could barely get down a small plate of spaghetti with two meatballs before I got sick. Not interested in food lately.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Fainting spells

Okay, I'm wicked happy today. First my stomach is crazy flat. It's so flat I can't even push it out to make a pot belly. I was rubbing it and honestly it's just all muscle. Yeah, super skinny represent!  Probably why I'm so damned cold all of the time.

Second, I nearly fainted this morning from lack of food... and I didn't even feel hungry! YEAH! Finally broke through the need to eat and re-educated my brain about food. It's not about eating, or enjoying eating. It's only about keeping my body fueled enough to say erect.

BTW read the book We Have Always Lived in the Castle.  It's a crazy brilliant book.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Spinning and sinking

I'm not depressed, I'm just floating on empty. I made a delicious dinner for us tonight, chicken stew and dumplings with cheese biscuits. Very delicious! Finished it off with a nice slice of peach pie.. yum! And followed it with a healthy helping of laxatives to make sure it doesn't stay. I don't want that weight in me. I don't want those calories moving to my stomach, or ass, or thighs. I want it flying out.  Good bye!

Monday, May 13, 2013

Food news - you've eaten enough this week!

I forgot to mention! I got so hungry today I almost passed out behind the wheel.  Granted the behind the wheel part is not good but knowing that I can deny myself food to the point of this new extreme makes me really proud.  I'm going to fast Friday Saturday and Sunday with running 8 miles on all days. Water only.

Interviewed today

So I had my interview at Nashoba today. I think it went well. If I don't get this job it will be a very talented person to knock me out.... or the superintendent just decided to go with someone else. I wouldn't be surprised to find that I was knocked aside for the superintendent's choice, it wouldn't be the first time.

At any rate the questions were good and I could answer all of them with a brilliant and insightful answer. Except the "what is your definition of inclusion" I've always been a little hazy on exactly what inclusion it. I think it means that I should make sure my curriculum is balanced and diverse enough to INCLUDE everyone. But that could also be wrong.

Anyway, back to school tomorrow. Had a good conversation with a professor about how the term American needs to be in constant flux, that once a person "defines" it that definition becomes obsolete and it's this transitory nature of the idea that makes America so strong. That if we are to be a good nation, a strong leader in the world, we just be in constant flux and under constant self-scrutiny, and going through discourse.

Three day week... Monday, off; Tuesday Wednesday Thursday, regular ed; Friday, no seniors!
I love Senior Skip Day!

Interview today

I've got an interview at my husband's school today. Very excited, but also a little nervous, and more so a little worried.

Excited - it would be fantastic to work at my husband's school. We would save a ton of money in gas and could even become a single car family.  I could get a dog, and be more active in my school's community. I could concentrate on my MA in history with less time in the car.. less time in the CAR!

Nervous - this will be my THIRD interview in this school district. I interviewed at a junior high and was the top pick, only be replaced by an internal candidate because the superintendent likes to play with people. Then I interviewed for an English position at the high school. I was the top pick for that job, but lost out to an internal candidate as the superintendent decided to shuffle people around again.  Hmmm.... interesting little pattern.

Worried - two things. One, there's no reason to not suspect that I'm going to be the top candidate who will once again, lose out to an internal shuffle. Two, what if I get it? What if I'm actually hired? I have to leave Minnechaug, and all the people I work with. I have to leave a school that I'm brilliantly successful at and hope and pray I'm just as successful at a new school? What if I'm laid off? What if I'm not as good? What am I doing?

I want the things that come with working closer. But I'm worried that I won't be successful.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Pancakes and family time

Went home to my family and had breakfast foods. They made it especially for me. Very happy. It was nice, but I can't help it. I want that food out of me. YUCK! I've got all that food inside me, just sitting around turning into fat. Nasty!

So it was nice to go home and be with them. I have an excellent family. My family is much better than most people. I have a cool family that is very intelligent. But they are also just real people. I have a bunch of pretentious douche bags sitting around a wine bottle talking fucking nonsense. I got a bunch of people sitting around pancakes talking about Billy Madison one minute and the Dirty Deal between Winston Churchill and Stalin the next. Actually my mother brought up an interesting question, she asked what started the cold war. Great question right? It generated like 2 hours of conversation.

Love my mother, she's so fucking smart and awesome.

Proms suck

So last night just completely sucked. I hate chaperoning proms to being with. Most of the kids are good and you don't have to worry about them, but then you do get some kids who want to get drunk they want to get high or they just want to start shit.

We only had the mouthy little fuckers type. Which is good. But they were rampant!

Michael did his usual ignore-the-shit-out-of-me routine. I mean, it's so bad that occasionally he would talk to someone with his hands moving about and practically hit me in the face. Sitting on Michael's side is always a hazard for someone my height as it's possible to get slapped. He just talked to everyone there... oh no, he talked to everyone ELSE there. And after promising me ONE slow dance, he reneged on it. No surprise there, that man will think up any lie to get out of what he doesn't want to do. Can't wait to see what he says to get out of going to my mother's today. Any my mother is adorable.... couldn't imagine anyone not wanting to see her.

Anyway, I know it sounds whiny, "wah my husband didn't pay me enough attention at a school function" but it's just a sign of a bigger problem. When ever anyone else shows up I disappear. He will back into me, or stand on top of me, or almost clobber me. But it's like I become invisible.

So I have to start thinking about whether I deserve a man who still notices me or not. I think I do.

I liked how Sean always had an ear out for any question I asked at lunch on our last class. Even if he was entirely engaged in a conversation with someone much louder than me, he would keep an ear out for me. For example, Justin was talking (rather loudly) about something from the book, it was a good question, but I wanted to know what type of dog another professor had, it was a foolish question but we had just discussed it. So I asked softly across the table to the girl (I forget her name, but she won Graduate student of the year and is very nice and smart) and she started to answer but couldn't recall perfectly. Sean leaned over and told me "English springer spaniels" and was able to go back to his conversation in a heart beat. That's exactly how a man aught to be!

So I'm not saying I'm in love with Sean, he's charming and very intelligent and has that nerdy vibe that I dig, but he's married with three children. I'm saying I wish my husband would behave like Sean. And yeah, I'm a little attracted to Sean but who isn't!

Friday, May 10, 2013

Running tomorrow morning

Tomorrow morning I hit the road for my 8-mile circuit. I think maybe by mid-summer I'd like to be able to run to NH and back. I'll have to look into treks through Winchendon (winchentucky). But that's good.

Class ended and I'm feeling a little low. I'm not going to take anything over the summer. I'm going to sit on my back porch and read all day and night. And that sounds exciting enough for me. Maybe head out to some parks and hike or just walk around.

Feeling fat today. Took many laxatives and am hoping to float away to the lovely empty feeling. Bobby left today and I feel very low about that. He was awful. I tried to be helpful and open to him but he would just wipe his ass with most of my advice and help. So what could I do? Meanwhile I'm still a woman so I'm internalizing his failure. His failure as a student teacher is a reflection on my inability to guide him to a better understanding of this profession. I know that's bullshit but I honestly worry that I was bitchy, or could have helped him more, or could have be more patient.

10 more laxatives and I won't feel a goddamn thing, so yup, that's my plan. I hate feelings, I just want to feel empty. I want to float away to "don't care" and just ride my empty until I die.

Summer: latin, reading, french, piano, running.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Watching people eat

is the worst thing on the planet. Just let me say that. So I had my last graduate class tonight. Very fun, we met at a coffee shop. Cute little place, saw an old professor and was pretty happy to see him. Anyway, the young kid in the class with the eating disorder was ON today. He got this fried cheese sandwich, i dunno, and it was disgusting. Just so horrid.  I don't know why people think I have an eating disorder. Yeah, okay, I eat about 800 to 1000 calories a day. I take laxatives to make sure I can't keep the food in me, and I burnt off all of my body fat. But I keep my body tight, I look good and I'm obviously healthy. so I think someone that eats what must be 5000 cals a day (meal) has the DISorder.

Anyway, I loved this class. I'm sad to end this class. It was a blast, and I really liked the professor, and the other classmates.  Hoping the paper turns out okay, but I'm aiming for a C. Really I don't think I pulled out this last one. I think it fell apart.

Summer off. Next semester: Historiography!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

107 this morning

I think I can! I think I can!  So hopefully I'm getting slimmy again!

My paper is just awful, but it's finished. I just wish I had done a better job. I've looked it over so often I feel like I might just go cross-eyed if I have to look at it once more.  This was a fantastic class, and I loved it. But I honestly did not do the best possible work. In fact I think I phoned it in. Lazy lazy.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

108. Not too shabby

I'm doing well. I think the spring has had a good effect on me. I don't feel the need to float away and while I do still want to be little and slim it's more so people will overlook me. Being skinny and little is a great defense. No one will want anything from someone whose body looks like it can't produce life. I'm pretty happy about my shape. I want to make sure I keep shrinking.

So with any luck I'll hit 105 this month. I have 3 1/2 weeks to shed 3 pounds. I'm pretty sure if I just keep going at this rate I can make it. Then in June I'll concentrate on getting down to 100. Hopefully at that weight my periods will stop.

Okay, on it's weigh down

Ha ha! Get it? On it's WEIGH down. I'm a loser. Yup, but I'm a skinny loser!  So I'm doing well with not eating. I get up, have a thin whole wheat bagel with lowfat/lowcal veggie cream cheese (no lie, it's actually really tasty!) then lunch is a bag of grapes, bag of baby carrots, one apple, one lowcal greek yogurt and four cookies... with a fizzy cola sugar free. Dinner is a bowl of cereal or a piece of wheat toast, then a later evening snack of another bag of grapes or a fruit salad. It's more calories than I'd like but the eating more often keeps my metabolism up. I feel more alert and the numbers are going down. Hoping to see 107 soon.

Anyway, my paper is killing me. Hoping to get that fucking thing done tonight. Thursday I have my class. So if I can finish the paper, then I can read tomorrow night and be ready for the class. I'm way behind in my correcting... just will have to wait until the weekend.  We are going to have a good time at Chiabo's, and I'm going to get anything I want to eat. So I'm going to make sure I take care of myself this week and have a good time Thursday.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Student teacher C-

So we had our last meeting about this fucking kid. He's getting a C-, he did the bare minimum. I'm certain that there will be tears, but you know what, I'm a cold hearted bitch and I just don't fucking care anymore. I mean, I'm actually a really nice person, like a crazy nice and considerate person. I just can't care anymore about this fucking kid. I worked to give him feedback and help him out and more often than not he just wiped his ass with it. So fuck him, C-. Not a fan of you kid.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Summer foods

So I'm hoping that this month sees me get to 105. My goal weight is 100 by August 3rd (birthday).  If I want to achieve this then I have to consider what I'm eating. Oddly I have a feeling that if I increase my protein intake I might have more luck.

So the goal is...
Current weight 110 (fat, gross, FAT!) - May 5th
End of May - 105 (eh, pretty okay, probably a little pudgy still)
End of June - 100 (nice)

Oh, I just realized that June comes after May... not July after May. So I have a while to chizzle away at that last 10 pounds. I'd like to try for this schedule. Running, and walking and eating very little.

Okay, well, good luck to me. Maybe I could hit 96 (ultimate goal weight) by my birthday.

Ugh, this paper

So I know I started this to open a dialogue with my eating disorder but I'm going to use this open a dialogue with my MA History pursuing self. Why are you doing this?  You teach English and you just finished your MA in English. So what do you do?  Do you take a year off to study? Or just take a year to read for pleasure? Or maybe just take a year to become stronger at teaching. No. Not you.

First you had the unfortunate circumstance of being a star teacher at your school. Yes, each review ends with "you rock" and "sky's the limit for someone like you" and "please don't leave" I'm not bragging, I'm quoting!  So there was no need to re-examine how and what you teach. But the reality is that while you like teaching, learning is your passion.  You want to be a student forever.

So why not take something like a painting or drawing class? Or even ballet or piano. No. You have to dive head first into a Master's program in history. And what does that mean? Writing papers that you sort of get, and sort of don't.  Papers that while the topic is interesting, don't exactly write themselves.

Ugh. Okay, back to work.... or maybe it's time to make toast.

Yeah, it's time for toast and a cup of tea.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Hot damn!

So I'm taking out last summer's clothing and NONE of it fits! All too damned big. My shorts are falling off my ass.  So I have ONE pair of shorts to wear this summer and they are size 00. I love me. I love veggies and fruit and water and not eating shit. I love that my discipline gave me this body. I only wish I could see how skinny I am. I'm not blind, I own mirrors. But I only see my old body when I look at myself. I see fat thighs, I see rolls on my tummy. I see flabby gross boobs. I see a fat face. I wish I could see myself, but not know that it's me so I could see what I look like and really understand that I have lost weight. That I am pretty. That I can stop starving at this point.

May The Fourth Be with you! Thinspo pics and quotes

May the Fourth Be With You!

Yeah, skinny girls can be nerds... what?

 That's a great plan. I'm a runner, so I worry that I'll never have those perfect pins.

See there is something called "too skinny" her shoulders look like a football player.  Too bad. Lose too much from your hips and you look top heavy in the WRONG way.

Damn right on that one!

So get out of the fucking hoodie and start running!  I have the unfortunate problem of thinking I'm pretty all the time. My problem is that I KNOW I'm fat, I can feel the rolls, I can feel my fat thighs touching. But I always think I'm pretty.

Thank you God!

Finally back on track at 108! Thank the fucking lord Jesus Christ!  Yesterday I actually hit, and I don't want to say this, 112. Holy shit right? One hundred, twelve.

Side note. You really shouldn't say one hundred AND twelve.  In math "and" denotes a decimal point. So technically you just said 100.12... which I would LOVE to be. Maybe sometime this summer I will get to write that! Okay, that's a goal. By August 3rd I want to be able to type, "I'm one hundred AND (meaning POINT) twelve.

So yeah, I'm feeling better. Now am I bummed out that I'm 108. Yes, that's still chubby. And it's only 8 am, which means I'm going to blimp up to possibly 109.something or even 110. But hey, it ain't no 112. Right? Yeah, fat girl logic. I know.

At least it's beautiful so I can go running. I'm just waiting to get my body awake a little more before I go.  Regular 8 mile circuit. I love that route, I just don't want to get a cramp and have to walk.

Friday, May 3, 2013

I remember showgirls

Do you remember my paper on showgirls? Good times. Lit theory.

Hope you are doing well. I'm good. Well, yeah, I'm poisoning myself. I'm enjoying history. Sean's a great teacher. You are better. I'm sorry we don't talk any more.

Making a pizza

So I'm making a pizza on my pizza stone. Yup, living the life! We got red peppers, green peppers and jalapenos. So yeah, thug life chose me. A little worried about how I'm going to feel AFTER i eat it, but I'm feeling pretty good today. I took a handful of laxatives on the way home and finally got rid of everything from today and yesterday. Not a crazy happy person about keeping food in me. But I must be doing something right, I'm sitting here in my size 00 bermuda shorts from White House Black Market and am very comfy. Not tight at all. Actually really like them.

Got a great review at work today. I am a brilliant teacher, so of course! Hoping my co-worker Patrick gets an equally positive review. But he's going about it a little wrong. He's doing this whole dog and pony show technique. I just had the same old curriculum I was planning to do. I actually had forgotten I was being observed so I didn't have time to think of something new. I think that's more honest, and I know John (the VPrincipal) respects that. No one wants to see performance art, they want to see teaching.

Anyway, gonna go check on my pizza. yeah, thug life!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Feeling good

Had a great class. I think I'm actually getting the hang of being a history major. It's a cool class, and the books we are reading are pretty interesting. The other people in the class are crazy brilliant. I honestly feel like a moron half the time I open my mouth but I think I'm getting smarter at this.

Anyway, I'm menstruating... sucks. I was really hoping I would have stopped before the end of school.  I'm going to run this weekend. 8 miles both days. Trying to get thinny thinny. My body fat is nice and low, but that means I'm going to have a hard time losing weight. I mean, how does one lose muscle mass? Starve?

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

I'm not fat, I'm just crazy muscular!

So there was a health fair at my school an after school I went down. There they had a body composition machine. I'm not entirely sure how it works... or even what it is called... but it made me happy!  I took off my shoes and socks, and hopped on.  She looks at me, takes my height.  She looks at me, smiles. She looks at me and looks at the print out. She looks at me and looks at the print out. She smiles.

"I knew this was going to be amazing, you're so little." She hands me the paper.

"10.3" says the paper.

"Holy fuck" thinks the NOT FAT girl.

This was the lowest read out she had ever had for a person. I am in-between an athlete and a starving person.  Actually I just looked at a chart, I'm a starving person. YES! I'm officially sick. Now I just want to look the part. I'm a slim looking woman, but I want to get scrawny. I want to be so slender that I look sick. I want to stop menstruating.

Hooray! Okay, so I'm going to work like crazy this summer. Lose about 10 to 15 more pounds. Hit one hundred, then 95 and think about 90. I love it.