Sunday, April 28, 2013

Citizen Kane on the big screen!

Holy cow! I'm going to see Orson Welles' Citizen Kane at the Historic Strand Cinema tomorrow night! I'm super excited! This is going to be killer cool. I've got all my work for the entire week done and ready to be printed out. I'm going to have them take a quiz (already made) on Tuesday then work on writing Wednesday and Thursday. I can use all day Friday to correct it. Hooray! Nothing to do in the afternoons except run.

Tomorrow: movie and possibly eat out with Michael. So happy. I can't believe Michael agreed to come. He's such a house cat these days. So, fingers crossed, he will be coming with me to the movies tomorrow night. Oooh, date night at the movies... on a school night! Dare to dream AMD!

8 mile jog

First of the road runs this morning. It was glorious. I left the house at about 8:15 and took my usual path of South Ashburnham Road to Commons Road to the Bacon Street cross over, up to the library and then down Main Street until it connected to 140 and jogged home. It's a little less than 9 miles. And I ran every step!

Not too bad for a gal who's been starving herself on a 1000 calories or less daily. Guess that pretty much proves my theory that Americans do NOT need 2000 cals a day. That's just greed.

Came home and enjoyed a nice long hot shower. I love blazing hot showers. I know they are bad for me and I know they are ruining my skin, but I moisturize furiously to counteract that. Besides, it's nice to sweat out any of the remaining toxins from my food. I know that the laxatives can only get so much out of me. The shower helps to get the rest. Food is evil, disgusting and it's trying to kill you.

Had a funny conversation on the internet today. I was looking up some low cal smoothie recipes... hey, it's almost summer, and the people were commenting about how this was "low cal" but "a carb is a carb"... and I thought...  "uhm, are you trying to insinuate that fruit and veg make you fat?"  Because that's laughable. Fruit and veg are the only things I can put in my body with NO WORRIES. Granted, yes, I'd be happier if I was part of a CSA and knew exactly where the food came from, how it was raised, who grew it, what type of fertilizer was used, etc. But maybe next year. Anyway, these two girl (fatties, obviously) were arguing with this other women (normal sized) about how fruit is full of sugars and carbs and you shouldn't eat it if you want to be skinny. The normal sized woman was trying to tell them that hamburgers have no carbs... are they healthy? Touche.  They were just blasting away at each other, so I posted, "so then why am I a skinny vegan?"  Kinda wanna go back and see what the chubbies have to say to that. Probably "blah blah blah, you were born thin"... yeah, I was. I wasn't born with an MA in English, or sassy style... those are things I worked on... like my body. So get off the internet and run fatties.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Ate breakfast

And I don't feel a bit bad about it!  Hoping this is a good sign. Maybe I won't make 100 pounds. Maybe I don't need to be 100 pounds. Maybe I can be 107, or 108 or even the dreaded 109. I'm okay. I'm doing just fine. And I think I'm pretty okay looking. Actually, I got a sneaking suspicion I'm a knockout. Well, okay that's an exaggeration.. I'm pretty and little but not hot. Cute. I'll give myself cute.

Anyway, we went to a really fun lecture on baseball history today in Lancaster at the library. Pretty cool stuff. I like lazy Saturdays when I spend time with my husband doing nerdy stuff.  Very fun day. He's my favourite person.

Gotta prep up for class this week.  Yeah!

Oh, just realized that next week is the second to last week with Bobby the wretched student teacher. Hooray! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank the lord Jesus Christ and get him the fuck out of my classroom Allah! (said the atheist!)

Friday, April 26, 2013

Safe food

So first, no, I didn't make it to 105. I'm just stuck at 109-107 range. At least I'm not getting much bigger, that would just destroy me. I told my professor why I'm leaving the class at odd moments. I didn't say to poop, but I let him know that I'm forcing myself to be sick after eating.

There are only two or three more classes left before the end of the semester. We are going to meet at a coffee house in our last class. Great, fatty coffee and deserts.  Awesome.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

16th Century Pop Culture

I bet they self-poisoned back then. I bet the people liked to taste evil and death on their tongues and in their mouths. I bet they liked that floaty free falling feeling that you can only get from swimming in poison that you put into your own body. Experiencing death but living. Half in. Half out.

So I think Thursday will be renamed Binge and Purge day. I power ate today. Dunkins and McDonald's. Then I came home and puked it up. Not enough tho. I'm at 110. Big. Fat. Cow. Moo, says the cow. Moo, says the fat girl.

A little worried that I'm going to be outed for this soon. I had to charge out of class to get rid of the rest of it.... some had made it down the throat and into the tummy. I had only gotten rid of the throat stuff, but the tummy stuff was making a speedy exit! So eliminated that waste, and hopefully eliminated that waist! Ha, see what I did.. so clever. Still fat. Moo, says the fat girl.  Worried that my professor will notice, but pretty certain he's the "none-my-business" type. Love that type. Just teach, I'll destroy my body and do all the work, don't you worry Sean. I know what my body can handle.

Moo, says the fat girl.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Delicious dinner

So I just created a brilliant dinner!  Low cal greek yogurt with freshly cut strawberries and blueberries. I loved it! I ate it like a hungry hippo.

I'm feeling a little better these days. It's still stressful to drive so much, but the new car makes it easier. Hoping to get to a library soon and get a book on cd to listen to. Had a terrible aural headache today. Am worried that it has to do with my diet. Am I underweight? No. Am I dehydrated? Probably. Am I malnourished. Yes. So I have to figure out how to put the fewest, but best calories in my body. This way I can keep up my health but still lose the weight.

I'm at 108. Which sucks. I want to be small.

Feeling fat

Not sure why. I haven't kept anything I've eaten all day. I think sometimes that may make my tummy distend. So maybe. I dunno.

Am very excited. My husband's school is hiring an English teacher... and it will be me! Just being positive. I have to get the interview, and then get the job first. But I think I have a great chance. I will definitely get an interview, that's a given. Then I'll wow them. I just worry that the superintendent will screw me out of it.  I don't know why but I got this god awful feeling.

Going out to buy cute shoes to cheer me up. Then home to read for grad class.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013


Okay, this week it happens. I'm getting down to 105. No more excuses and no more eating. I'm getting a lot of correcting done as I now have two preps. That's handy. My student teacher is working out pretty well... granted he sort of sucks, but I get an extra 83 minutes to grade. Hooray!

Monday, April 22, 2013

Back to school

And I don't mean the Rodney Dangerfield movie... but then I should mean it!

Today was a great day back to school, my kids are ready to be gone and graduated. But I'm hopeful that I can at least keep them in line until May 31.. the last day. We have a half day next week Tuesday, and then the seniors have a field trip on May 3 (Friday).  So I have a bit of spotted dick of a schedule.

Feeling a little floaty today. I'm comfortably deposited on the couch, p-jammied, wrapped in a blanket with a toasty warm laptop. Thinking of a cup of a tea but I don't want to get up until the room stops spinning. I took only four today. But then I also ate like a bird. Toast, tea, carrots and yogurt. Nothing but water after that. Feeling good but definitely floating.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Today's wake

Is for a young man that any parent would have been proud of. This young man was a thoughtful, well spoken, fun and intelligent individual. His goal was to join the military, the Marines to be specific. He wanted to serve and protect his country, possibly ending in college and a career in the military. And he could have done it. While he has asthma, he had skill and brains. Those should count for more. So maybe he couldn't get into the Marines, a sterling career in the Air Force is something to be very proud of. What I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around is why? Why would he kill himself? Why do it in such a visceral manner? Why abandon a father that so obviously loved him? His father, while I've never been a fan of this man, was an amazing father. He's a devoted father, who had to go to court and force his ex to ensure his custodial rights. He fought for his son, and made sure that he was there for him daily. He wasn't a weekend dad, he was a constant dad who made certain that his son felt loved and supported. So what happened?

There was not way that this young man was in control of himself at that moment. I have to say he must have been under the influence or suffering from an undiagnosed illness. There's just no way this was a intellectual decision. But then this was something he had been thinking of and planning for. 19 is so young. It's a baby! I feel young at 37... which I know I'm not, I'm an old fat woman, but I feel far to young to die.

May this poor young man rest. May his families find some form of peace. And may we all slow down a little more. Make sure the people in our lives know that we love them, that we need them in our lives. That without them we are less.

Last day of vacation

Tomorrow I am back to work. I'm not upset about that. I love my students, they are delightful and creative little chair throwing terrors. Honestly I get along with these kids, probably because I'm wired wrong too, so it's all good in B201. I'm not sad about my commute because I have my lovely new car. Would be better if I could get my iPod to play through my radio... if any of the three vampires that read this could contact me with instructions that would be great. I think I need a better iPod is the end result of this. I have a shuffle, and probably need at least a nano. Anyway, I don't mind it. I have XM radio, which isn't all it's cracked up to be, but meh, it's all good in the Chevy Spark.

Today is a weird day. I'm going to the funeral of the son of a friend. I'm going to the funeral of a 19 year old boy who committed suicide. He saved up money for almost a year to buy a special rifle to shoot himself with. I have a strange relationship with food, and health and life. I can recall poisoning myself the first time when I was 8. We were on a horrible family vacation in New Hampshire. Dad was drunk and screaming at everyone the entire time. My brothers were crying as they were terrified by this. My mother was crying as she was busy pitying herself and allowing her husband to do whatever he felt like doing to his kids. Yeah, families by and large suck. People should have kids and then turn them over to the state to be raised by people like me. Calm, gentle humans with no emotional investment other than love. I would be a terrible parent, my body is nothing but a pile of death and blood, but I would make a (I DO make) a brilliant state-approved care-taker.

Anyway, I took an entire bottle of aspirin. I knew I wouldn't die, but I floated for a little while. It felt great. Nothing bothered me. It felt like time slowed down and all the sounds got muffled. It was exactly like when people get high in a movie, things go out of focus. Nothing was funny. I still felt nothing inside, which is fine I like that feeling most of all. But it was life the world went soft and I fell into the flow of things. I dunno, can't describe it. Take a bottle of aspirin and see what I mean.

After that I poisoned myself, or worse I ATE. I can remember feeling bad enough to want to die. But always knowing that floating was better. I was an atheist at 6. So I didn't worry about hell.  Frankly I worried about being bored if there was an afterlife. Now, I'm just hoping Hell has a Barnes and Nobels and I can get wi-fi.  Mental note to self: get buried with my mac. But I can't imagine what this child needed to get through this. Obviously suicide at 19 is not self-termination. When a cancer patient decides not to fight after losing the battle, that's self-termination. That's dignified. That's understandable. But at 19. This is a sign that he needed help and wasn't getting it. It makes me want to love my students more. To ensure that they are safe and happy and know that I love an appreciate them. I say "I love you" and "you make me so happy" to them daily. But I have to make sure that they KNOW it.

I think that's just a good idea for all of us. 19, 59 or 109. I think we all need to hear that. Except me. I'm all good. :)

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Feel like I'm going insane!

So okay, I'm ready to go ape-shit and kill someone. I'm watching this ridiculous show my husband just put on... it's about Hugh Hefner's life. It's part of "how sex changed the world"... yeah, okay, maybe. First I obviously have a problem with that idea. Sex changing the world is a little silly to me. Granted, with my past sex doesn't rate highly to me. My husband is an amazing man, and well... he's pretty darned good in bed, so that has changed my opinion of sex and well... I'm pretty damned good too, so there's that.  But changed the world? Maybe nuclear power, or Issac Newton changed the world. Let's have that show.

So that's not why I'm so pissed I could go blind from it. Hugh just actually said that the 80s were a tough time. There was a lot of political correctness, which created a strong feminist wave. He actually just complained that he wasn't getting the credit for being part of the women's liberation movement of the 60s, which he believes "playboy was at least a small part of"....  yeah, a very fucking small part mate.

Let's examine playboy. First let's stop and acknowledge that the images in playboy are not reality, not at the start, middle or finish. I've actually had the privilege of being on a photo shoot. I majored in it, and after graduating got my first job working for a magazine. The women came in, had make-up, hair, clothing, lighting, spray tanning (before that was big, and yes I'm that old) artificial props and backgrounds, artificial wind to create that slow motion goddess effect.  The photo is made, SNAP. And THEN they start fixing it. The image of the woman, who is beautiful walking in, then made perfect, is then created to divine. The image is lengthened, her legs are made longer, skin is evened digitally, shadows are deleted, or created, hair is fulled or trimmed. Eyes and teeth are whitened, skin is whitened, a shine is put in hair, eyes, skin. So that by the time that magazine reached the rack that woman had undergone such a process that she wouldn't recognize herself. They could have made me look like her if that wanted to and I'm a short fat ugly hobbit!

What playboy does is worse. Instead of creating mere perfect goddess they are creating nymphs. Notice that the hair is removed.  The girl walking onto the playboy set has been shaved and plucked and waxed down to bald. She has had all hair of maturity removed to make her body appear clean and clear. Her body is super thin, small thin waifish hips and slender thighs. Small breasts that practically point skyward. What is her body supposed to remind you of? Clearly. She's a child. This woman has starved herself down to puberty. The lack of hair, the artificial (digital) removal of the uterine bulge, the small pert breasts, the lack of fat on the hips and thighs. This is a child's body. She is supposed to be the ultimate male sex object... a little girl? Men are gross.

Men are obviously not gross. Not every man on the planet is a pedophile. Many aren't. Many just think that they want this because they aren't given the choice. It's either love the playboy mythos or run to the reality of Hustler's Beaver Hunt. Which is truly gross... I mean, have you ever seen that? yuck.  But what bothers me the most is that I buy into this.

I want to be that beautiful, read thin. I want to have the body of a child. I like that my breasts have shrunk and in a few pounds will no longer require a bra. I love that my hips are 10 pounds away from pre-pubescent. And I secretly love that in a few months, if all goes according to plan, I will no longer menstruate. I think it's a compliment of intense love for thinny body and an intense fear of being fat. And not normal fat. I'm terrified of becoming 500 pounds. I watch supersize v. superskinny and I think of the terribly heavy people with each mouthful. Every morsel of food that comes into my body is accompanied with the mental picture of June, Honey Boo-boo's mom. So maybe playboy has done something for feminism. It's made us all anorexic.

Thanks Heff.

Putting around in my little red roller-skate

I love this new car. I can't begin to tell you how much I love this new little car. I feel so freaking trendy and tiny in it. It's a good influence on me too as it makes me want to get really really skinny.

I had a half a burger at the Texas Roadhouse today. Delicious but disgusting at the same time. However I will say that place always makes me feel so good about myself. I see the little waitresses who are always so nice (not being glib these girls are always the nicest little girls) but they are THICK! Wow, some big old thighs in that house. And the other guests... holy god I've never seen people this big up close in my entire life.

Anyway, it makes me think of my new all time favorite show: Supersize v. superskinny. I want to be on that show. But I have to make myself smaller first... and move to Britain... and be willing to gain weight. Never going to happen! Most of these gals are like under seven stone. I'm stuck at a whopping seven stone and ten. The skinniest I've ever gotten myself is seven stone and a half. I'd like to be exactly seven stone... for those of you American vampires that's 98 pounds. I'd like to hit that goal by birthday, August 3rd, for those of you thinking of getting me something (DVD copy of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas... no judging!) But then I'd like to sit at 96 ultimately. That was Natalie Portman's weight in Black Swan and I think she just looked superb in that film. Such a lovely little elegant creature. So small and so thin. I want to look in the mirror and see that.

Ballet and swimming all summer long with no food living in my system and I can do it!

Friday, April 19, 2013

Epic fail.

Yeah, I didn't think I'd keep it in me for long. Five laxatives down and chased it with two pieces of toast. Thinking I'll get rid of everything. Maybe take five or ten more later tonight. I wanna feel sick. I wanna feel floating on empty and light headed and dead. I can't hear anymore about these people in Boston, or this boy near a boat. I can't take my friend's son shooting himself in the face and I don't want to face ending my vacation going to the funeral. I know all of this makes me crazy terrible. I'm a greedy awful human. But I'm not going to lie about myself. Especially since it's only me and the vampires reading this damned blog. And I'm happy as fuck about that.

If my professors knew. If my family knew. If my husband knew. I'd be done for. If people found out that I like to poison myself what then? No more MA for me. No more getting ahead in my program. Nope, just that fake ass sympathy people give you when you are mentally ill. I have been mentally ill my whole fucking life. I scratch at my skin until it bleeds and people just think it's a nasty habit. I liked after my surgery, how people wanted to be nice to me. I was treated like I was little and weak and people looked out for me. I'm exhausted of being in control and in charge. I'm ready to dive into sleep over how much I can't stand being on top of everything. I want to spend the rest of my vacation and all summer sick, and suffering in the backyard in a hammock. And then the reward is that I'm happy and little little little.

42... not that bad!

So I'm not going to lie and say this movie really blew me away with the stark reality of the racist struggle that Robinson faced on and off the field.  I won't lie and say there weren't some real Disney moments, and that the movie would see-saw from scenes of intensely ugly racism to moments of white redemption (I'll call it that for lack of a better term).  The movie was good. It did showcase the worst of American racism in the vocabulary of baseball.  Yup, Robinson had an uphill battle through shit while the parade of ugly and stupid marched past him daily. He was wrestling for control of a shit heap. No denying this.  But the movie made it look like Robinson had that first bad year, and then everybody came 'round and eventually embraced their brother in baseball.  Nope. Didn't happen. We have ridiculous amounts of racism still in the sport. Okay, there are a lot of African Americans on the field... how about on the wall in the hall?  How about the manager's office, or the owners box? Follow the money and you will see that baseball is still a white man's game. This won't change until we have a frank discussion on race, and how we are blindly marching to the same damn drum.

Anyway I had a good day with food. I ate toast with butter and jam. No tea, had two glasses of mango juice.  Then for lunch I had a half a sandwich with a small salad and a cup of pasta salad.  Dinner will probably be toast again, not because I'm feeling guilty, but I'm feeling full.  I also had a chocolate shake, which is probably what's going to ruin this for me.  Hoping I can keep the food in me and feel okay about it.

Still loving the new car!


going to see 42 today. I'm pretty excited about the film, but I'm also a little worried. This movie is only PG13, which means there's no sex (yeah) but also there's little violence (hmmm).  It's not that I want this to be a big huge violent film, but the reality of this story is that Jackie Robinson's life was not pretty. Robinson faced violence both verbal and physical, on and off the field. Robinson had to tolerate hate speech hurled at him, bottles and ball hurled at him, he had to keep his tongue in his head and his hate inside. This only created a very bitter, very angry man, and at the end of his career and life that's all that was left in Robinson, the hate and the anger that he was never able to get out.  I want to see a story about his struggle, about the ugly truth of my country and the holy shrine of baseball. I don't want this white washed pretense of happiness through tough times. So I'm excited but expecting to be disappointed.

107... hooray!

I think the running was a bad decision. I'm definitely going to run this summer but only outside. And I think I might swim three times a week at the college/university/whatever. I think swimming will building long lean muscles and hopefully battle the muscular legs I'm starting to get. Yuck.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Grad class

So I'm having a pretty good time in my current grad class. It's pretty cool, the prof is a groovy guy. He's a nice teacher, and I got to admit it is reassuring to know that he will make time to talk to me about my performance in class.  I was a little worried that I either sounded dumb or was saying the most obvious thing.  But he said it might be obvious to me, but not to everyone. I hope that didn't come across as condescending to the others in class. They are really interesting and smart people. I really like this program.

Anywho, not doing well on eating. Just had dinner but fortunately I've been expelling everything in my system regularly for a couple of days. I almost fainted in his office, thank god I just blamed it on my shoes!

Exhausted. Hoping to just spend tomorrow at the mall and movies with my amazing husband. He's so great. Michael is a wonderful man, a stunner and I live in terror that some sexy sassy woman will steal him away.

I'm not running anymore

Well, not until the summer when I can run outside on the street and REALLY lose the inches. I want to shape down my pins to straight, but I'm not doing that on the treadmill. That thing is NOT running. I mean, not really running.

So back to the scary low cal diet. I think I'm not taking off any weight because school does make me thinner. Being on the run all day keeps me from eating, and keeps me up and moving. So there's something to think about. This summer I'm going to take a ballet class so I'll be up and moving... and surrounded by thinny thinnys and motivated to lose more weight.

100 for my birthday, completely doable goal!

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


So I'm finally loosing my battle... ha ha.  Yup, killed myself with sickness to get those pounds off but I'm back to 107. Thank Christ!

I'll live. Just keep making myself sick and get that fucking weight off!

Stuck at 109

I just can't seem to get down below 109. I'm going to stop running. I think that's making me heavy. I know that muscle weighs more than fat, but I think starving is a better weight loss plan than exercise.

Love my new car still.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Love my new car

I love my new car just so much! It makes me want to be even smaller so I can be even cuter in the little tiny car. It's so damned trendy and lovely.

So far so good. Yesterday I went off track, but not by much. I had a lovely veggie sandwich and some fries. Today just three pieces of toast. I'm saving myself for Italian dinner and hoping that I won't have too much to eat. Also I'm thinking I'll wait until the end of the show and then down 10 laxatives to get it out. Italian food is so yummy but honestly it's so fatty!

Figures it would be Revere

That place sucks.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Hot car fat chick

Here's me with the Challenger. It was a great ride, I ended up getting a brand new Spark.

My legs are still so freaking fat! It's disgusting.

I'm going to throw those jeans out. I wish someone had told me I looked that fat.


So I wanted to post about my new car. I wanted to post about driving the challenger. I wanted to post about eating a big lunch and finally not feeling bad about myself for the first time in months.

WTF?  Boston. Leave it the fuck lone. Just stay the fuck out of my city. Stay the fuck away from my people. The worst part is that I feel this was inhouse.  I just don't feel that this was an outside group. Am I crazy for thinking this was some inside group. Homegrown.


Sunday, April 14, 2013

Crazy proud of my little self

So this morning I ran five miles, then ate a piece of toast with margarine and washed it down with a cup of tea. Then it was off to momsa's for another cup of tea. Dodged eating a chicken and potato dinner, and drove home. The five laxatives kicked in nicely and I lost everything I had put in me (which was barely anything).  I had two pieces of toast with margarine and peach perseves with a cup of cocoa.

So cal counter:
toast:  83 cals
tea:  none
2 pieces of toast with jam: 172
tea: none
Hooray I'm at:  255
hmmmm  that's a little higher than I wanted. I know I want to go the day at 300 cals total. But I'm thinking I should have at least an apple or something to end the day. Grrrr......

Anyway, I want to get delicate so that's the goal. Tomorrow run again and start the process over. I can feel my butt muscles are firmer but not sore. I wish it would get nicer fast, I'd like to run outside. That's a GREAT workout.

I'm meeting with my prof Thursday night to discuss the class and my goals as a history MA candidate. Hooray.  Oooh, maybe I should try cottage cheese.  I bet it's tastey and can't be too fatty....

Things to ponder as I attempt to get here:

she is exquisite!

First run

Okay was planning to run outside but it's as cold as hell out there. Going to run down stairs on the boring as hell treadmill... everything is "as hell" today. I woke up at 110 pounds this morning. And it was a high 110, like 110.8. Fucking disgusting.  I went to bed at 112 last night. Equally disgusting. I can't believe how FAT I've gotten. So this week is devoted to getting it out of my body. I'm going to run, eat only 300 cals a day and drown myself in water. But I want this crap off and out of my body. I want to be slim and little and slender and tiny and clean.

Okay I'm off and running... ha ha, get it. Yeah, I'm lame.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Les Mis

So I'm watching the movie Les Mis again.. no judging please, and I think my collar bone juts out as much as Ann Hathaway's.  Pretty decent. She's got better pins (legs) than me, but I'm a freaking midget, so I'll have to work on it.

Tomorrow run, and don't eat. Today I've been much better about food. Narrowly missed eating out and had a snack pack of sushi for lunch, then just had toast and tea for supper. Will have an apple if I feel peckish later. But so far so good, very few calories in me.

I just want to get down to really tiny and be fragile looking. I'm exhausted with being strong. And I'm tired of people laying emotional baggage on me. Work is fabulous, but honestly it's a lot to handle the children. I'm reading their memoirs and they are so heartfelt and touching. some of these people have been through so much, homelessness, abuse and neglect. I can't imagine how they handle being in class knowing what they deal with at home. Granted I can relate to almost every word, and unfortunately worse, but I AM STRONG. I've always been, and will always be. I'm a big fat strong ox. It's flattering to have students love and trust me so much that they can unburden themselves on me. But it's a lot. I feel for them, because I'm normal. Anyone would be touched by these people. I love them all so much. I can barely contain myself sometimes. Every once in a while I find myself just stopping class to tell them how grateful I am to have them in my classroom and my life, and how much I'll miss them.

Okay, well the "flyin' Hawaiin" just scored the winning run.. celebration must begin!

finally sick

Ahhhh finally I got really really really sick and lost everything from the past two days. I'm hoping I keep it going. Tomorrow starts my run and starve method. I'd like to see next Monday at 105. That's all I'm hoping for. Small goals.

Then it's 100 for my birthday. But I think I can beat that. I think I can get to 95 for my birthday. Tomorrow I'm going to visit my mum and see the puppy dogs. They will have no Ed and Becky so I hope they aren't all bummed out.  My brother and sister (in law) are off to PR for the week... lucky ducks. They work hard and have had a tough couple of years, so they deserve this. It's nice to see that things are working out for them. They are good teachers and good people, and will make brilliant parents. I love them both dearly... and that's not the light-headed lack of water talking, I love them. But I will probably steal their dogs.

Anyway count down to a new car: ONE DAY!

Don't look for your heroes... they got chubby

So I forgot to mention, I was at my university two days ago and saw my favorite professor of all time ever! He was the best prof I'd ever studied under, he really helped me out. What was great about this guy was that as nice to me as he was he treated everyone that way. He went out of his way to make sure that every student who interacted with him (not just studied but actually just talked to him) felt heard and understood and valued. I really adored this guy, and had the most disgusting crush on him.

Unfortunately I saw him yesterday and he's just as cute as ever, but... he's fat. I just can't handle people throwing away their health. I don't get it. Work out, eat less, be obsessive. It's easy.

Meanwhile, I'm a big porky 110 so I don't know where I get off talking!

Disappointing start to vacation

Just hopped on the scale... at 7:30 AM... I'm 110. This is sick. I'm obviously WAY over weight. 110 is unacceptable. So immediately downed five laxatives. I didn't take any yesterday, first mistake. And I put a few bites of the chinese left overs on top of it. So hopefully I'll get rid of that food soon.

I'm going to shower and then just correct. Maybe get a run in tonight. It's so nasty and cold I don't want to change into my gear and go out. Nor do I want to go down to the cellar and run there. I just want to be warm. I'm going to shower, get all clean and make myself sicker than I've ever been. Just correcting and prepping and getting rid of food and water. I'd like to end today at 109. Completely possible.

Okay, keep you posted.

Plan for this week:  Run 5 miles a day every morning; drink nothing but water; eat yogurt, raw fruits and veg and read.
Daily diet: Breakfast TOAST (89); Lunch YOGURT (80) and CARROTS (41); Dinner APPLE (90).
Total caloric intake a day: 300.

I'm gonna look like this:

Friday, April 12, 2013


Hooray for a week off! I'm going to run and rest and read! I have a little correcting to get done, but then I'm going to just scoot around and have fun. I've got a fun week ahead. First buying a new car. Then going to see Book of Mormon.  After that getting new phones.  And rounding it out with lots of running and NO EATING!

I have a meeting with my grad professor next Thursday and I'd like to be romantically thin by then. Not trying to get my prof in the sack, quite the opposite, but still I like it when people look at me worried.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Driving a Dodge Challenger on Monday!

So excited I'm going to test-drive a Dodge Challenger Monday! I'm going to buy a new Chevy Spark, but I really really really want to drive the baddest of the bad ass cars! Like Kowalski from Vanishing Point!  Yeah, I'll post pics, cuz I'm so amazing.

Virgin mobile sucks like crazy

So I finally just canceled my virgin mobile account. Honest to god this group of humans are the dumbest mother fuckers on the planet. I'm actually amazed at how they manage to fuck up my account on a monthly basis. It's pretty durned impressive.

Anyway, day two of my period. I'm at 107 and feeling pretty good about that. I wore a pretty dress and looked like Donna Reed, felt a little fat but all my students told me that I looked really thin. So hooray. I do have a tiny waist, my thighs are rubbish tho.

Okay, I'm off. Tomorrow night is class. Hooray, hoorah and huzzah! I love this class. It's a blast.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Only a few more days until vacation

I'm not sure which I want to do more: run every day or make myself really really sick. I honestly think I might do some combination of the two.

Running every morning and then five or six laxatives every afternoon. I'm going to really get rid of my body.

Ugh, period

Every time I get ready to drop weight I get my period. Which is a double insult. One, it slows me down and keeps me from losing weight. I have to indulge my eating habit and feed my fat face and flabby ass. I can feel it wobbling as I walk up and down the halls. Gross! Just knowing all that fat is bouncing up and down on my once firm butt makes me cringe. All I can think is SUMMER GET HERE! I'll start running long distances again and firm that shit up tight!

But it's another insult as I am STILL getting my period. How slim do I have to get before those fucking things stop! I want to take my body back to grade school.

Monday, April 8, 2013

A pound less than when I woke up this morning

Yeah, I'm a bad ass.  Also pulled a lot of crazy literature off the doors of my neighborhood today. Waned to make sure no one came home to nonsense after work today.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Gross out and newly thinspired!

So I just read a fantastic memoir by my student, it was a very funny retelling of his adventure with his friend. This young man, not author but the friend, is very over weight, like American Samoan. He thought it would be clever to eat a McDouble (I have NO idea what that is and I never want to know) in one bite. So he stuffs it in his face and tries to chew. Of course the humor of this breaks him and he manages to spit it all over the dashboard of the car.

So now whenever I think I can eat at McDonalds on my way to school and just puke it up once I get there. I'm going to remember that a big high school kid does this and just remember that a zero calorie pepsi is a great dinner!

So here's some mean spirited, but hopefully helpful thinspiration for you....

But here's some nice thinspiration for you.... lovely beautiful perfect Keira Knightly and Natalie Portman being beautiful and slender and so perfect!

Mexican food is going to kill me

Oh my god. I'm going to die. The Mexican food that we just ate poisoned me. I think I'm going to die. Or at least I hope I'm going to die, other wise I'm just going to sit here in pain and yuckiness forever. I took five laxatives to help get this out of me. Normally I would enjoying this illness and just float on it. But honestly this makes me feel so yucky I just want to throw up and get it all out.

So lovely and ill...

I've been up since 3 being sick. I feel so light and empty. I don't want to step on the scale and find out the bad news that the fish from yesterday made me swell up two pounds and I'm a porky 109.

Sitting on the couch, pillow under my bony butt, blanket wrapped around me, Jezebel on the blue ray player and correcting getting down.  It's a lovely day. Later I'm going out for lunch with Michael and I'll fly a kite.  Hooray!

Five school days to April Vacation! I even have a book to read in bed every morning!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Cake and laxatives

Two pieces of cake and 10 laxatives later I'm on the couch. Prepping is done, gotta make a test for LWG and haven't read over the memoirs, but I only have to give them a soft read. Yeah, I'm good.  A little disappointed in the cake eating aspect of my life. But I can feel summer coming. I'm going to run daily and get nice and skinny skinny skinny! Can't wait to see the looks on people's faces as they see a 100 pound frame walk into school. I want people to be afraid for me and worry about me. I want people to look at me like I'm sick and dying.

That is love. Sexy is not love. Sexy is when they want something FROM you, sick is when they want something FOR you.

I deserve that.

Salmon is swimming inside me

And I feel pretty darned alright about it!  It was delicious. Had a small plate, Michael had a huge plate. We both ate until we were full and had a lot left over. Since no fish was left over I tossed the rice. Very good meal, feel like I might be something of a genius in the kitchen!

Salmon Risotto... yum

Risotto tonight. Very excited about this. I'm feeling like a big professional chef. Honestly I wish I had more friends who lived closer because I think this is going to be crazy yummy. I have two nice pieces of salmon, and got the rest of the ingredients. Very excited about this. A little worried about the freshness of the veggies... they are frozen, but that's what the recipe calls for... I may hop out one last time and get fresh veg.

Okay, let's see how this goes.

Excellent news, 107, so I'm back on the right track to thinny.  Lost an inch from my waist and thighs... you know this. But I'm feeling good. Have lots and lots of correcting to do. BLECK! Okay, getting there.

Inches inches everywhere

Shedding inches! Thighs down to 20 and waist at 23! Hooray!

Celebrating with toast and tea this morning. Hips at 34.5/35 without a change. But I think that's a summer battle, so I'm going to be okay with it. Stomach is nice and flat, pins are beautiful and straight and slim, slender long arms, cheekbones, collarbones and hip bones are all fully visible. Love it. Very happy!

Also feeling good over my new "Jesus take the wheel" attitude towards student teacher. He can either do this job or not but I"m not getting upset over it. I'm not going to personal his failure, and I'm going to stop worrying about how he is a reflection of me. He doesn't reflect me, he reflects his own ineptitude.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Chinese food and feeling great

So there's a wonderful saying in the movie and book Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. "Two tears in a bucket, mother-fuck it!"  that's what I'm living by these days. Just FUCK IT!  I'm not getting upset any more, I'm not trying anymore, I'm not going to kill myself to make sure that this kid gets his license. I'm just going to fill out the paperwork and send it off. If the evil bitches at his college wanna complain, great, don't care about that either. They can forge my signature and I won't care.

Chinese food for dinner tonight. I had a little less than half the meal and set the rest aside for Michael. I've taken about 10 laxatives so far and can't wait to be sick sick sick. I love that sick and floating feeling. I want to curl up on the couch and just drift into empty tonight. I deserve it.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Feeling alright

I think I'm going to survive this. Today I finally felt a little lightening in my chest. I started my day practically in tears and shaking. I honestly just shook until I saw a student of mine was back from a ridiculous suspension. Very happy to see this guy back!

So I was shaking and scratching, went to Patrick complained my heart out. But today the student teacher did a pretty darned good job. Very happy with his effort with his plans. Very happy with what I see. So I think I can do this. I think I can get this guy out of my classroom with everybody happy. I will be okay.

May 10th get here. Please get here soon.

So I ate today. I skipped all meals until dinner and had a six inch meatball sub. I know that's way above my 500 cal limit but the protein is really going to my head and making me feel so good. I feel fantastic and warm. That's the best.

Anyway, hopefully tomorrow will be good too. I've got my class that I love tomorrow. YEAH!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Stress eating and scratching

So I had that meeting with useless student teacher and clown patrol. I hated it. These people are fucking stupid, like crazy fucking stupid.  They are special. Bitch face, not the Baba Yaga looking chick, said she never got the notes that I know I handed her. Fucking liar moron clown ass bitch. I just can't stand stupid people.

Now I'm punishing my body. I have scratched my neck to pieces and shreds. It looks like a blood pulpy mess back there, just disgusting. I took five laxatives. Then ate McDonalds. And now I'm thinking up ways to go upstairs and purge out the food. Then I can spend the rest of the evening getting sick and empty.

I just hate people. i just hate them to shreds.

Monday, April 1, 2013

finally sickness

Ah, thank god. I have barely eaten anything and I'm worried that I am addicted to laxatives... meaning they won't work unless I take something extreme like 10... but I put in 4 about 4 (ha) hours ago and it's working. I feel sick.

This morning was fabulous. I was so sick I honestly thought I was going to die. I was sick, feverish and thought I was having a heart attack. Nearly fainted in the shower. It felt so good. I felt like I as fading. It was beautiful.

Calorie Count 4/1

Tea: 32
Toast: 80
Yogurt: 80
Cereal: 80
TOTAL: 389!

Now begins the long haul of resisting food!