Sunday, April 21, 2013

Last day of vacation

Tomorrow I am back to work. I'm not upset about that. I love my students, they are delightful and creative little chair throwing terrors. Honestly I get along with these kids, probably because I'm wired wrong too, so it's all good in B201. I'm not sad about my commute because I have my lovely new car. Would be better if I could get my iPod to play through my radio... if any of the three vampires that read this could contact me with instructions that would be great. I think I need a better iPod is the end result of this. I have a shuffle, and probably need at least a nano. Anyway, I don't mind it. I have XM radio, which isn't all it's cracked up to be, but meh, it's all good in the Chevy Spark.

Today is a weird day. I'm going to the funeral of the son of a friend. I'm going to the funeral of a 19 year old boy who committed suicide. He saved up money for almost a year to buy a special rifle to shoot himself with. I have a strange relationship with food, and health and life. I can recall poisoning myself the first time when I was 8. We were on a horrible family vacation in New Hampshire. Dad was drunk and screaming at everyone the entire time. My brothers were crying as they were terrified by this. My mother was crying as she was busy pitying herself and allowing her husband to do whatever he felt like doing to his kids. Yeah, families by and large suck. People should have kids and then turn them over to the state to be raised by people like me. Calm, gentle humans with no emotional investment other than love. I would be a terrible parent, my body is nothing but a pile of death and blood, but I would make a (I DO make) a brilliant state-approved care-taker.

Anyway, I took an entire bottle of aspirin. I knew I wouldn't die, but I floated for a little while. It felt great. Nothing bothered me. It felt like time slowed down and all the sounds got muffled. It was exactly like when people get high in a movie, things go out of focus. Nothing was funny. I still felt nothing inside, which is fine I like that feeling most of all. But it was life the world went soft and I fell into the flow of things. I dunno, can't describe it. Take a bottle of aspirin and see what I mean.

After that I poisoned myself, or worse I ATE. I can remember feeling bad enough to want to die. But always knowing that floating was better. I was an atheist at 6. So I didn't worry about hell.  Frankly I worried about being bored if there was an afterlife. Now, I'm just hoping Hell has a Barnes and Nobels and I can get wi-fi.  Mental note to self: get buried with my mac. But I can't imagine what this child needed to get through this. Obviously suicide at 19 is not self-termination. When a cancer patient decides not to fight after losing the battle, that's self-termination. That's dignified. That's understandable. But at 19. This is a sign that he needed help and wasn't getting it. It makes me want to love my students more. To ensure that they are safe and happy and know that I love an appreciate them. I say "I love you" and "you make me so happy" to them daily. But I have to make sure that they KNOW it.

I think that's just a good idea for all of us. 19, 59 or 109. I think we all need to hear that. Except me. I'm all good. :)

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