Running on empty 2

So I spent the day puttering around the house.
Food:
Breakfast - cereal: 80 cals
Lunch - tuna roll; half cup of pasta salad; half an apple - high ball at 500 cals
Snack - handful of cheezits: high ball at 200 cals
Dinner - yogurt: 80 cals

Definitely spent more cals than I took. Good job. Now feel completely empty. Five laxatives in waiting to expel everything from me so I can float away on the lovely empty.

Tomorrow: 8 mile run, but let's eat even less.

Running on empty

8 Miles down this morning.

I feel good too. I didn't eat much yesterday, so my run was a little slow. I'm not complaining. I liked the run and I feel like I really cleaned myself out on it. A good run is almost spiritual in how it just breaks your body down and helps you spill all the garbage and nonsense and drama that you collected over the other days. It makes you empty so you can put in what you want after that. I'm putting in happiness, and a really positive outlook for next year, and a burning desire to get my MA in history.

I'm pretty jazzed about my next class. Historiography. Unfortunately it's about Cuba and Latin America. But the CIA is in it. So I'm appeased.

5K - sub 30

Okay, so I'm not touting that as fast... it's okay. Less than a 10 minute mile is considered passable by the U.S. Military. So that's okay. I'm aiming at sub 25. That's as fast as I think I'll ever get it.

Food so far:
yogurt - 80 cals, but I didn't eat the fruit at the bottom, so it's probably less.
left over pizza slice - ugh, I'll put it at 300 to be safe.

Work out blues

So I'm up to 115. I know that's not fat. But it's fat. I feel so fat. I have blubber on my sides, my ass is big my stomach is popping out. It's all because of a few factors.

1. I'm running. My muscles are getting big and strong again. So it's pushing the fat forward which is why I feel doughy and blubbery. I just need to keep running and eat below cal so I can eat into the stored fat.

2. It's unbelievably muggy. I can tell that I am just a big bag of water with legs. My skin looks amazing and smooth. My eyes are bright, my hair is full. I love being full of water. Except that I feel so damned fat.

Okay, tomorrow: run.

North Korea

So I was driving home from the movies and I was thinking of North Korea. Doesn't everyone do this?

My family is convinced that this culture is going to fail. They see the poverty, the famine and the disenfranchisement and think the very logical (but inherently American) thought "fail." But I'm not so sure.

This is a culture that gets up at 4AM and works all damn day. And not American work, meaning roll in around 8:30 - 9:30, and eat breakfast at the desk, then start work (which is entirely seated for the most part) doing ineffectual inefficient meaningless paperwork, stopping frequently to use the rest room, stretch, eat, and fuck around, then begin to pack up at 4:30 and leave promptly at 5:00 to go home to way too much food, far too much TV and an increasingly adolescent social life - now, I'm painting America with a pretty wide brush so don't take me literally, I'm working in metaphor) manual labor, repetitive movement work. They do it with a dedication and fervor that, frankly, we will never get. They love their work because it's an extension of loving their lives, which is the direct instruction of loving the source of life, their leader. Their dear leader.

No president living or dead will ever be able to be as loved as the tyrants who have run the only monarchy in a communist country. Yeah, Marx would love the iron.. after he stopped screaming.

This is a culture that, when faced with famine, made starvation-level diets fashionable, important and almost holy. The wealthy North Korean eats approximately 1000 cals a day, which is found in the two meals a day. All North Koreans eat only two meals a day. They are happy to do this. And no, I don't expect you to believe this. It's not something that we, as Americans, can ever truly accept as a fact. But it is.

And finally this is a culture that believes whole-heartedly in their reclamation program. Justice is dished out in the most arcane, draconian and yet well-organized bureaucratic manner possible. If I commit a crime, I am sent to an internment camp. I will live there for the remainder of my life. My husband will accompany me there of course. The children I give birth to will live there as well. The children born from them will live there too. My great-grandchildren will be released. They will be shamed and must start at the lowest cast. This system is not only accepted, it is widely understood to be why North Korea is doing so well. Well, it's widely understood in North Korea.

North Koreans don't speak against their government. They don't worry about what each other are doing with their bodies. They aren't interested in sexuality. They don't have religious issues.

In this country we have too much. Too much food. Too much money. Too much TV. Too much internet. Too much. We don't know where to look or what to think. Once our eyes and brains have settled on something it is immediately hit with stimulus from another source. What do we worry about? Gay people getting married. Women having abortions. People not praying to Jesus in school.

So tell me again how North Korea's going to fail?

Hooray for Ed Markey!

Yeah, we are taking this state back to the entire blue. Pretty soon we're all just going to be smurfs. I'm excited about the possibility of having DOMA deemed unconstitutional today. I hope (and believe) that the Supreme Court will do the right thing. This is an obvious no-brainer to me, but there are people all over this country who refuse to use their brains on this and are keeping us from moving forward. If you think about it, follow the breadcrumbs, there is no LOGICAL argument against gay marriage. All of their arguments just boil down to God says no. Well, first off, I don't recall God having a press conference recently. The bible was written by people, not God. And lastly, let's just for fun pretend that God is real and he/she/it doesn't want gay people to marry. Well, God can vote... just after he become a citizen. Otherwise, I'm standing by my fellow man and supporting them.

Today: cleaned the bathrooms and the kitchen. Debating running this morning, probably will not. I just feel gross from the cleaning products.

Watching Pretty Wild. It's pretty ridiculous. Love trashy reality drama.

Portlandia

So under normal circumstances I would NEVER ask people to watch more tv. I would normally say stay away from the box as much as possible. But there's a brilliant tv show, that is going into it's third season and I just love it.

Anyway:
Workout: ran 8 miles
Food:  2 pieces of white bread toasted with margarine; popcorn (half bag) soda (half the soda); fruit salad and a green machine drink.
Ate well, and smart. Probably going to polish the night off with a bowl of cereal.

Thinking this summer will be meatless, if not vegan.

Last day of school

Ah, it's so good to be out of school. I'm excited about my work for next year, but I'm also really happy to have two months off.

I'm up at 115, at first I freaked out but then I thought about it. It's hot, I've had about 5 bottles of water today, and I'm back into running. So I'm going to stay off the scale for a couple of weeks. I want to focus on running and getting into killer shape, and slimming down my hips. Then I'll worry about not being 100lbs.

One day work week

Tomorrow is my last day of work, but thankfully NOT my last day of teaching.
Suicide is on hold. Anorexia is back on track.
Today's weigh in: 114. WTF!
I know that it's hot, and humid and that means I'll be retaining water. I know that I ran which means my body is going to have to adjust my metabolism. Both of those will make me gain weight, but lose inches. I know this. But this summer is going to be lose ten pounds zone.

Food for today:
2 bowls of Frosted Flakes with milk
1 veg sushi platter
2 cookies
1 tuna salad role
1/2 apple

Been drinking a lot of water. Might be on my 10th glass to be honest. Which is probably why I'm 114. I've got to stay off the scale to keep myself happy.  Just went shopping for cute new summer clothing and I'm a size 2 or 0, so I can't be fat. Tommy H doesn't make clothes for fat girls.

8 Miles

Just did my first 8 mile run of summer. Hopefully I'm getting rid of all that Chinese food I ate last night. Yikes! I feasted.

Okay, so it's the slim-down summer.
Starting weight: 111.0 pounds.
Goal weight:  100 pounds.
Measurements:
     Arm:  9.5 inches (goal 8)
     Waist:  25 inches (goal 22)
     Hips/Bum:  35 inches (goal 33)
     Thigh:  21 inches (goal 18)

None of that is unreachable, nor is it excessive or unhealthy. So the plan is: run, swim, starve.  Good plan.

I'll post tonight with total caloric intake and exercise, although I've already run, so chances are I'm not doing anything else.

I mean, look at Keira Knightly, that's just absolute perfection right there.

Keep the faith

So hooray, I'm back at Wilbraham. Word came from my principal himself as I was told that if all goes well with the contract negotiations I'll be back... of course I managed to pack up my entire classroom and move it into my basement. Genius. But I'm happy to have some good news to report. Gardner sent me the "fuck you" letter. I don't get it. I have an MA, experience, and come with oodles of unit plans. But for some reason I never get the job. It's just weird, I (and my principal and APO) can't understand why I keep getting passed over (ha ha, passover).  That's good at least the people I work for value the hell out of me.

Oh well, eventually I'll get a job closer to home and will finally have the life I'd like. Home, dog, free time, no more getting up at 4AM!

Heaven

Do you think that when you die the afterlife is a Wes Anderson film? I'd like it to be. I'd like to live on New Penzance Island and hang out with the Khaki scouts of North America.

I've always liked this movie because I still hold my husband's hand when we walk about, and I often kiss him like this. Sometimes I think Wes Anderson saw me do this to Michael and he thought, that's love. When I think of my husband I realize that I am very lucky to have found such a love. There are few people who get to be in love like I am with Michael. He is a remarkable man, a wonderful mind, a fun partner and a good soul.

I am lucky. Thank you.

Rainy day blues

So does the rain ever stop? Honestly, I live in New England not Seattle.

I haven't heard from Gardner yet, but that's to be expected. She only posted the new position a few days ago and said she wouldn't make her decision until after she had interviewed those candidates. I'm still hopeful. I told God while driving home that if I got this post I would go to church every single Sunday for the rest of my life. And I would too. But it's wrong to bribe God. God should be worshipped because he created this world and the good parts of my life for me. Not because I want something. That's just childishness coming through as I get more and more desperate.

I am hopeful, but that is waning as the days go by. Only five days left to teach. Then I'm gone from Chaug. It was a good school, and I learned a lot, but I could grow more.  I think Gardner is the place for me to do it. I've grown with people and under people, now I need to tread out into the wilderness (so to speak) and teach on my own. I need to develop my own voice and curriculum. I'm ready for it. Now if only I can get the chance.

The Yellow Wallpaper

So I'm getting a little crazy paranoid about the job interview at Gardner. Something she said really freaked me out.  In the conversation we both admitted to hating Silvia Plath, which I'll stand by, she sucks. But the principal said "ugh, Silvia Plath and the Yellow Wallpaper."  Uhm, that was Katherine Perkins Gilman. I didn't say anything because I thought it would be rude to correct her, but now I'm worried that was a test.  IDK.

Had ribs at my dad's... so nasty and dry, yuck. And corn on the cob, so sweet and delicious I LOVE corn, it's my favourite veg.

Going into the last week of school. This year has been a weaker year for me. I was not the strongest teacher I could be. But I was also a lazy bum. So I know where my problems lie and how to fix them. Laziness is easily correctable. Also, I was distracted by my horrid student teacher, and I was in way over my head with writing workshop.

Last six days are staring at me. I feel like I'm looking into the abyss a little. But not in a bad way, it's daunting to be laid off, but there are a lot of possibilities out there. I could get the job at Gardner (that's the best of the possibilities) I could get hired at a school closer, Monty Tech could open up a spot and bring me on board, 'Chuag might find the money after all. I'm confident that I'll find something, but I'm equally confident that my confidence will waver and I'll despair. Fingers crossed that I find something before I move beyond just the normal poisoning.

This week starts my afternoon running schedule. Very happy about that. 8 miles a day, I'll keep you posted.

Father's day

Ugh. I hate this holiday almost as much as I hate Easter. Nothing against Christianity, just hate Easter food... ham and boiled veg slathered in mustard. Yuck.

Anyway, off to Abington to tolerate my family, at least it's nice out.  Feeling okay about my weight. I actually ate at Texas RoadHouse yesterday and had a delicious steakhouse salad, then went to the batting cages and had a yummy chocolate ice cream waffle cone. Yum.

Well, I got to get up and get this show on the road. My teeth just can't get clean enough these days.

Back in the saddle again...

So I started packing up my classroom today. No tears, not sad. Am trying to keep that a secret from the wagging tongues downstairs. I think there's something wrong with me, I'm a girlie-girl through and through. I love make-up, and pretty pretty dresses, and kittens and puppies and coding in lenix, but I HATE GOSSIP.  I just despise it, passionately!

Feeling better. Made a delicious meal of spaghetti and meatballs. Ate a big ole plate of it and now feel crazy sick. Too much food.

Sushi with chicken?

Why not. So it was in the grocery store and I ate it. Delicious. Anyway, here are the dogs I was thinking of getting back when I was alive.

These two little guys were surrendered to a rescue shelter by some a-hole farmer who was going to shoot them for killing a chicken. What?! Was that chicken his lover? These guys are a-freaking-dorable, I'd get both if I could. But even if I had a job and a future, I can't have two dogs. And to be honest I can't have anything with a chase/hunt/kill instinct, I own a cat.

 Sadie here is a Beagle Tree Hound mix. Yeah, it's a weird looking dog, beautiful, but it's strange to see a beagle with long legs.  Pretty girl though, so I'm in love.

Here's the one for me. Little yappy dog throwing a temper-tantrum. She is RIGHT up my alley. A beagle pure, which is why I can't get past people who go to breeders... you can get a better dog with a healthier pedigree at a shelter, and you a doing a good deed.

I wish this was my life. Teaching school and complaining about getting up too early because my dog has to go the bathroom. I wish my life was this beautiful. Just teaching English in some little school, making students happy and helping their families and community in my small way. Packing my little dog into my car to take him to football games and field hockey matches. Working late but being home in a quarter of an hour. Making dinner for my husband and correcting papers.

But no, and there's no use crying over spilled milk. Make a hemlock salad for birthday and see if you are right about the afterlife.

Hemlock.

I found my plan.

Today, I'm probably getting my rejection letter from  Gardner. That's a reality. I'm going to keep applying for jobs... that's I'm not going to get. That's a reality.

So this summer I'm going to get some guts. And take a trip to Concord, Emerson wrote about the Hemlock that grew by the river. I just found out that it causes paralysis, that eventually results in asphyxiation.

So, vampires, I'll let you know!

Apple Bread and circus

Made a delicious Apple Bread and even allowed myself a slice.

Today was terrible. A co-worker stopped by to give me a pep-talk, which quickly turned into him telling me how much education sucks and how it's changed and how everything is rotten because we let kids study art and languages... yeah, I have no idea. But essentially he really rattled my cage and got me terrified that I won't find any more jobs, I'll be unemployed and I will have to give up on teaching now and forever amen. God, I hate pep talks.

Apple bread is good.

Plan to kill myself is back on.

Feeling blue

So it's a rainy damned day. I'm still miffed about my student not getting to graduate. A student I talked into coming back to school has decided to not come back and just flunk out. I had to make a series of additional work for the student who didn't graduate. And, oh yeah, I'm still laid off.  I'm waiting to hear from Gardner High School, I'm hopeful, but terrified.

108. I'm up from the 105. Hooray. I had gotten up to 110 last night but some of it came off during the night and at work. I'm having my period, so I'm worried that about 3 to 4 pounds of this is bloat.

It's funny, I would have been thrilled to be this weight, but now that I had to go through all that stress to get here, I can see it wasn't worth it. I'm fortunate in that I figured that out.

Feeling positive

Had a beautiful dream last night that I got my dream job. Funniest part of the dream was that I wanted to get a Gardner (Gahdnahhey) T-shirt.

I am teetering between optimism and pragmatism (negativism, really). I believe that I am highly qualified for this job, and in a weird way that I deserve this job.  I have driven far to my job for 4 years now. I have proven that I am brilliant and diligent teacher. I create grand and creative curriculum and lesson plans. And I form strong and lasting relationships with not only the sweet lovable kids, but the worst of the worst at my schools. So why not me?

Why not? Well, I am expensive, I come with an MA. That will always be a detriment.  I have only 4 years under my belt for that money. So really, I'm not worth the money on paper. In reality, I'm MORE than worth the money. But schools usually don't gamble, they can't afford to.

Yesterday I ate at Bertucci's and had the Arugula, Watermelon and Feta salad with a half piece of salmon. Very yummy. Putting the weight back on in a smart responsible and slow way. Today, I have to grocery shop alone as Michael is going to his school's graduation. I am proud for him, he does a good job. It's not the best school, well actually it's a damned great school, it's like fifth in the state, but it's not my school, not my type of school anyway.  This is going to sound crazy, but there are just too many white kids... rich snotty entitled white kids. Yuck.

105, and not the way I wanted it.

So I hit 105 last night. It's not as pleasing as I thought it would be.

First, I hit it because of all the stress lately. I've been tired and slagged out, and dragged through the damn mill WAY too much at work. I don't know whether the school folded or not and at this point I can't care about it anymore. Fuck it all on that kid. He could have done more work, he could have smoked less weed, he could get the mental help he clearly needs. My administrators could grow up and not hold grudges against kids who cause trouble, that also could happen.

Fuck it. I'm in charge of Jack and Shit, and Jack left town.

So I hit 105. Through stress and starving, and I didn't even realize it. I sat down to think about what I had eaten this week... water, diet soda and maybe a few cookies.. a bag of carrots here and there. No yogurt. No apples. No meats or cheese. No dairy. This is ridiculous. So yeah, I'm skinnier. I also look like shit. Bags under my eyes, stooped shoulders, I honestly look like I'm dead.

Fuck life. I'm not letting my dumb ass school depress my any longer. I'm going to find another job, closer to home and get a dog.

Two new class ideas under my belt: Evolving America (how the American identity shifts through the historical epochs it faces on it's march to empire) and American Culture in the Jazz Age (looking at both the glittering shiny brilliance of the gilded era and the tragic nightmarish destruction of the metal under the gilding). I'm a genius.

Feeling better

So, okay. I'm laid off. And I'm a little pissed off about it. But I'm going to be okay.

Things that make my life amazing:
My husband, my cat.

Things that are important in my life:
My husband, my cat.

So do the math.

Yeah, it's gonna be okay.

Food is for the employed

So yeah, in about two weeks I will join the ranks of Americans without jobs. I'm terrified. I won't lie. I'm not happy, I'm worried like a crazy person. I've interviewed, but so have a lot of people with more experience, and people who won't need to be paid as much as me.

I'm not going to get a job. I'm going to have to pick up some piece of shit job like being a secretary or some bullshit like that. If by my birthday I don't have a teaching job. I'm killing myself. At least I'll be a skinny corpse. But that's it. No more guess work. No more worrying. No more scrambling. no more.

Gardner High School

Just got out of my interview. Went pretty well. I'm hopeful. Treated myself to sushi, spring rolls and inari as a reward. Ate them with my husband. Very happy about that.

School is bothering me. I feel like my administrators are plotting to drive me insane. But you know what, I just don't care. I found out that I could get bumped out of my job by a person who is getting laid off. Would have been nice to be told that sooner. So fuck them, they deserve NONE of me at this point.

Pray for Gardner and better things to come.

Hooray for stress

If there's a better weight loss system than being completely stressed out over nonsense that you didn't start, can't end and have NO power over, then let me know. I am finally at goal weight for the week, 108.  Hoorah.

So where's the stress coming from you ask? Work. A student failed my class. He wrote a pretty terrible final research paper, and I gave it a 68. Which was generous. More than generous. This brought his grade up to a 59.49. So I immediately smiled, breathed a sigh of relief and thought, hooray! I can make this a 60 and he gets a D- and off he goes. Yeah.

Wrong. My administrator decided that the 59.49 stands and this student fails and he now doesn't pass English and he's not graduating high school. Yup. So I get to explain this to the parents that he failed my class. Sucks. But here's my real problem. Why in God's name are we doing this? His parents have been in my classroom, on my phone, up my ass about how their child's future is destroyed by my actions. Uhm, slight correction, but your son's actions and my administrator's desire to watch your kid crash and burn. Motherfucker!

So now we are all having a meeting where they are bringing another a student who "helped" him with his paper to talk about how I set him up, I made him fail by lying about how it was good only to grade it tougher. Yippie. My fucking life fucking sucks like fucking crazy.

If an administrator ever walks into your room, whatever you do, DON'T tell them SHIT!

Dinner: eggie in a basket, single egg with yoke on toasted bread with margarine. Fell out of me immediately. Probably won't keep much in me for days... this is going to drag on for ever, I can just feel it.

Tomorrow is an interview at a closer school... wish me luck.

110

Maintained at 110 all day. Pretty damned happy. I did cheat and got a iced hot chocolate at DDs. Sorry body. But I think it will be okay. I was safe with dinner and was really good to myself with breakfast (yogurt, 80 cals) and lunch (ten baby carrots, 1 apple, second yogurt) then with dinner I think I'll be okay.

I'm into this fantastic show: Supersize v. Superskinny. Love it! This show is pretty cool, people who are very overweight team up with people who are very underfed. In pairs they swap diets, not the healthiest idea, but good entertainment.

I like watching the superskinnies, their bodies are lovely!

This blond has just perfect arms, abs and pins!
Lovely long and lean. I'd kill for this body. I don't get this show he looks at the superskinnies and criticizes them... uhm, hello this is what the human body should look like!

This little red-head is a tap dancer and teen model. So first off, she's like 18 so give me a break, of course she's a skinny pinny girl. But she's got a tiny little body and I'm jealous! Of course, I'm 37 so I think 110 for 37 isn't too shabby. Would like to tighten up the arms (no bingo wings thank you!) and trim down the thighs and pins.

Pesto Feta Individual Pizzas

So I just made up the second dinner tonight.

Flatbread with a generous helping of pesto spread out to the edges and then sprinkled with large chucked feta cheese. Served with apple slices for a side.

Yum. The pesto is pretty darned good but a little tangy to be honest. Smelled better than tasted. There's just a weird sweet tangy underbite to it. So I don't know. The feta is typical hannaford's fare, very yummy. The flatbread is just flatbread, so there's nothing amazing there.

Overall, I recommend this meal. It's good.

Cal count:
apple: 40 cals (only had half)
bread: 100 cals
pesto: 46 cals
feta: 60 cals.

Total:   246... DAMN!

Now that I've done the math, this TOTALLY worth the cals!

Anorexic Foodie Strikes again!

Okay, so this is a pathetic first blog on food. No one who is actually a foodie would care, or rather, would DARE to eat these. But I just tried the Morning Star Asian Burger Patty, and it's actually not bad.

Meal:  Whole wheat bun, Asian Veggie patty, lettuce, slice of beef tomato, three slices onion (rings) muenster cheese.
Side: carrots with a little drizzle of ranch dressing.
Drink: Ginger ale, heavily iced.

Calorie counter (because this is, after all, the ANOREXIC Foodie):
Morning Star Asian Veg Patty: 100
Whole wheat bun: 130
One slice of Muenster cheese: 103
one leaf of Boston Curly Lettuce: 7
Slice of Beef Tomato:  10
10 baby carrots:  88
2 tbsp drizzle of Ranch dressing:  140 (WTF!)

Total for meal: 578...  well, that's not as bad as I was afraid, but still more than what I would eat in an entire day normally. Overall it was worth the cals. I would not do it twice in one sitting, which I did making my total eat count over 1100. Yuck. But I feel good and feel pretty happy about what I ate. Since it was almost entirely veg I think it was a good food investment.

Critique: the patties are tasty, but the taste is obviously coming from the fragrance more than the flavour. However, as I live in America I can't expect to eat anything that has not been chemically altered from it's natural state.

Final thought: since I'm going to finish this blog fast to get another, it has to be a favourable review. I recommend these to anyone sick of eating a burger and feeling like a sick greasy oil spot on the couch. I ate it, thought about it for a while and noticed that I'm not tired, or sad, or my tummy isn't upset and my face doesn't feel dirty. I don't want to brush my teeth until I throw up, so yup, this must be a pretty darned good fake-burger.

The Anorexic Foodie

So I'm thinking of changing the tenor of this blog from me whining about how fat I am... 110 this morning. Very happy actually. And start talking about what a foodie I am.

Don't know if you know about this (the two people from the vampire website that randomly read this every day, thank you) but I am the biggest foodie on the planet. I love food. I'm obsessed with food. I watch the food network all day. I should be 500 pounds. But fortunately, I am obsessed with counting calories, and I feel insanely bad every time I put food in my body.

But with summer coming I wish I had friends close by to cook for. I am a great griller, and am learning about the fine art of BBQ.

Bollywood Grill and terror

So the Bollywood grill is phenomenal! I highly recommend to anyone interested in Indian food. This place has a really fun atmosphere, delicious food, (I think it's buffet only) and happy waitstaff. I had a great experience and ate far too much. Loaded up my plate twice.

So I'm thinking it might be time to take matters into my own hands and get rid of this food before it can do anything permanent.

Then it's sitting on the porch for a lovely day of reading and drinking iced tea.

109. thank the lord!

It's about time too. Honestly I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, starve? I've got to get my body down to a decent size and number, but it felt like no matter what I did I would be that big fat 111 or 112.

Today we are going to Bollywood Cafe in Worcester/Shrewsbury. I'm excited, I haven't had delicious Indian food in so long! I honestly think that the last time I had Indian food was when a roommate in college (the first time) brought some that her mother had made. It was delicious, I think I ate more than what was polite... and back then I could eat eat eat! Which is why I got so fat (144) and why I have to be on top of myself now (109! Yeah!).

Okay, well. Probably write again today.

thinspo for today: First day of June:

I'm proud of this girl (no, it's not me) she lost almost 30 pounds, which is amazing that the body on the left is only 150... to be quite honest I'm thinking she's only 4 feet tall if that's 150! But the 121 body is good, she should still work on it. No thigh gap, hips are still a little puffy, arms droop.  Tummy looks great. But there's always room for improvement.