Hot damn!

So I'm taking out last summer's clothing and NONE of it fits! All too damned big. My shorts are falling off my ass.  So I have ONE pair of shorts to wear this summer and they are size 00. I love me. I love veggies and fruit and water and not eating shit. I love that my discipline gave me this body. I only wish I could see how skinny I am. I'm not blind, I own mirrors. But I only see my old body when I look at myself. I see fat thighs, I see rolls on my tummy. I see flabby gross boobs. I see a fat face. I wish I could see myself, but not know that it's me so I could see what I look like and really understand that I have lost weight. That I am pretty. That I can stop starving at this point.

May The Fourth Be with you! Thinspo pics and quotes

May the Fourth Be With You!

Yeah, skinny girls can be nerds... what?

 That's a great plan. I'm a runner, so I worry that I'll never have those perfect pins.

See there is something called "too skinny" her shoulders look like a football player.  Too bad. Lose too much from your hips and you look top heavy in the WRONG way.

Damn right on that one!

So get out of the fucking hoodie and start running!  I have the unfortunate problem of thinking I'm pretty all the time. My problem is that I KNOW I'm fat, I can feel the rolls, I can feel my fat thighs touching. But I always think I'm pretty.

Thank you God!

Finally back on track at 108! Thank the fucking lord Jesus Christ!  Yesterday I actually hit, and I don't want to say this, 112. Holy shit right? One hundred, twelve.

Side note. You really shouldn't say one hundred AND twelve.  In math "and" denotes a decimal point. So technically you just said 100.12... which I would LOVE to be. Maybe sometime this summer I will get to write that! Okay, that's a goal. By August 3rd I want to be able to type, "I'm one hundred AND (meaning POINT) twelve.

So yeah, I'm feeling better. Now am I bummed out that I'm 108. Yes, that's still chubby. And it's only 8 am, which means I'm going to blimp up to possibly 109.something or even 110. But hey, it ain't no 112. Right? Yeah, fat girl logic. I know.

At least it's beautiful so I can go running. I'm just waiting to get my body awake a little more before I go.  Regular 8 mile circuit. I love that route, I just don't want to get a cramp and have to walk.

I remember showgirls

Do you remember my paper on showgirls? Good times. Lit theory.

Hope you are doing well. I'm good. Well, yeah, I'm poisoning myself. I'm enjoying history. Sean's a great teacher. You are better. I'm sorry we don't talk any more.

Making a pizza

So I'm making a pizza on my pizza stone. Yup, living the life! We got red peppers, green peppers and jalapenos. So yeah, thug life chose me. A little worried about how I'm going to feel AFTER i eat it, but I'm feeling pretty good today. I took a handful of laxatives on the way home and finally got rid of everything from today and yesterday. Not a crazy happy person about keeping food in me. But I must be doing something right, I'm sitting here in my size 00 bermuda shorts from White House Black Market and am very comfy. Not tight at all. Actually really like them.

Got a great review at work today. I am a brilliant teacher, so of course! Hoping my co-worker Patrick gets an equally positive review. But he's going about it a little wrong. He's doing this whole dog and pony show technique. I just had the same old curriculum I was planning to do. I actually had forgotten I was being observed so I didn't have time to think of something new. I think that's more honest, and I know John (the VPrincipal) respects that. No one wants to see performance art, they want to see teaching.

Anyway, gonna go check on my pizza. yeah, thug life!

Feeling good

Had a great class. I think I'm actually getting the hang of being a history major. It's a cool class, and the books we are reading are pretty interesting. The other people in the class are crazy brilliant. I honestly feel like a moron half the time I open my mouth but I think I'm getting smarter at this.

Anyway, I'm menstruating... sucks. I was really hoping I would have stopped before the end of school.  I'm going to run this weekend. 8 miles both days. Trying to get thinny thinny. My body fat is nice and low, but that means I'm going to have a hard time losing weight. I mean, how does one lose muscle mass? Starve?

I'm not fat, I'm just crazy muscular!

So there was a health fair at my school an after school I went down. There they had a body composition machine. I'm not entirely sure how it works... or even what it is called... but it made me happy!  I took off my shoes and socks, and hopped on.  She looks at me, takes my height.  She looks at me, smiles. She looks at me and looks at the print out. She looks at me and looks at the print out. She smiles.

"I knew this was going to be amazing, you're so little." She hands me the paper.

"10.3" says the paper.

"Holy fuck" thinks the NOT FAT girl.

This was the lowest read out she had ever had for a person. I am in-between an athlete and a starving person.  Actually I just looked at a chart, I'm a starving person. YES! I'm officially sick. Now I just want to look the part. I'm a slim looking woman, but I want to get scrawny. I want to be so slender that I look sick. I want to stop menstruating.

Hooray! Okay, so I'm going to work like crazy this summer. Lose about 10 to 15 more pounds. Hit one hundred, then 95 and think about 90. I love it.