Apple Bread and circus

Made a delicious Apple Bread and even allowed myself a slice.

Today was terrible. A co-worker stopped by to give me a pep-talk, which quickly turned into him telling me how much education sucks and how it's changed and how everything is rotten because we let kids study art and languages... yeah, I have no idea. But essentially he really rattled my cage and got me terrified that I won't find any more jobs, I'll be unemployed and I will have to give up on teaching now and forever amen. God, I hate pep talks.

Apple bread is good.

Plan to kill myself is back on.

Feeling blue

So it's a rainy damned day. I'm still miffed about my student not getting to graduate. A student I talked into coming back to school has decided to not come back and just flunk out. I had to make a series of additional work for the student who didn't graduate. And, oh yeah, I'm still laid off.  I'm waiting to hear from Gardner High School, I'm hopeful, but terrified.

108. I'm up from the 105. Hooray. I had gotten up to 110 last night but some of it came off during the night and at work. I'm having my period, so I'm worried that about 3 to 4 pounds of this is bloat.

It's funny, I would have been thrilled to be this weight, but now that I had to go through all that stress to get here, I can see it wasn't worth it. I'm fortunate in that I figured that out.

Feeling positive

Had a beautiful dream last night that I got my dream job. Funniest part of the dream was that I wanted to get a Gardner (Gahdnahhey) T-shirt.

I am teetering between optimism and pragmatism (negativism, really). I believe that I am highly qualified for this job, and in a weird way that I deserve this job.  I have driven far to my job for 4 years now. I have proven that I am brilliant and diligent teacher. I create grand and creative curriculum and lesson plans. And I form strong and lasting relationships with not only the sweet lovable kids, but the worst of the worst at my schools. So why not me?

Why not? Well, I am expensive, I come with an MA. That will always be a detriment.  I have only 4 years under my belt for that money. So really, I'm not worth the money on paper. In reality, I'm MORE than worth the money. But schools usually don't gamble, they can't afford to.

Yesterday I ate at Bertucci's and had the Arugula, Watermelon and Feta salad with a half piece of salmon. Very yummy. Putting the weight back on in a smart responsible and slow way. Today, I have to grocery shop alone as Michael is going to his school's graduation. I am proud for him, he does a good job. It's not the best school, well actually it's a damned great school, it's like fifth in the state, but it's not my school, not my type of school anyway.  This is going to sound crazy, but there are just too many white kids... rich snotty entitled white kids. Yuck.

105, and not the way I wanted it.

So I hit 105 last night. It's not as pleasing as I thought it would be.

First, I hit it because of all the stress lately. I've been tired and slagged out, and dragged through the damn mill WAY too much at work. I don't know whether the school folded or not and at this point I can't care about it anymore. Fuck it all on that kid. He could have done more work, he could have smoked less weed, he could get the mental help he clearly needs. My administrators could grow up and not hold grudges against kids who cause trouble, that also could happen.

Fuck it. I'm in charge of Jack and Shit, and Jack left town.

So I hit 105. Through stress and starving, and I didn't even realize it. I sat down to think about what I had eaten this week... water, diet soda and maybe a few cookies.. a bag of carrots here and there. No yogurt. No apples. No meats or cheese. No dairy. This is ridiculous. So yeah, I'm skinnier. I also look like shit. Bags under my eyes, stooped shoulders, I honestly look like I'm dead.

Fuck life. I'm not letting my dumb ass school depress my any longer. I'm going to find another job, closer to home and get a dog.

Two new class ideas under my belt: Evolving America (how the American identity shifts through the historical epochs it faces on it's march to empire) and American Culture in the Jazz Age (looking at both the glittering shiny brilliance of the gilded era and the tragic nightmarish destruction of the metal under the gilding). I'm a genius.

Feeling better

So, okay. I'm laid off. And I'm a little pissed off about it. But I'm going to be okay.

Things that make my life amazing:
My husband, my cat.

Things that are important in my life:
My husband, my cat.

So do the math.

Yeah, it's gonna be okay.

Food is for the employed

So yeah, in about two weeks I will join the ranks of Americans without jobs. I'm terrified. I won't lie. I'm not happy, I'm worried like a crazy person. I've interviewed, but so have a lot of people with more experience, and people who won't need to be paid as much as me.

I'm not going to get a job. I'm going to have to pick up some piece of shit job like being a secretary or some bullshit like that. If by my birthday I don't have a teaching job. I'm killing myself. At least I'll be a skinny corpse. But that's it. No more guess work. No more worrying. No more scrambling. no more.

Gardner High School

Just got out of my interview. Went pretty well. I'm hopeful. Treated myself to sushi, spring rolls and inari as a reward. Ate them with my husband. Very happy about that.

School is bothering me. I feel like my administrators are plotting to drive me insane. But you know what, I just don't care. I found out that I could get bumped out of my job by a person who is getting laid off. Would have been nice to be told that sooner. So fuck them, they deserve NONE of me at this point.

Pray for Gardner and better things to come.